Monday, March 1
Chester-le-Street, UK


Barry Potter and The Chest-er of Secrets


Durham Cestria v Chester Town Ladies 

The FA Cup 1st round proper

Maiden Castle DH1 3SE

Free Entry

1pm KO 10.11.2019 

‘Remembrance Sunday’

’’They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. / At the going down of the sun and in the morning, We will remember Them’’

A minute’s silence was Honoured very respectfully.🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Durham City’s ground gave birth to a vibrantly Sunny afternoon with an icy wintery feel that welcomed The Chester Offspring at Houghall today…

The bog-fest was avoided after 40 days and 40 nights of rain, thanks to 

Noah McCrea who had prayed all night for decent weather showed true faith conquers all, as he stood before the 

solar illumination of the glorious 4G pitch. 

The Cestrian Ladies were primed for battle….  clouds of carbon dioxide plumed from their nostril, Studs scraped the emerald green in anticipation…

The galvanised Cestrians gathered together, resembling a group of Champion Fillies, patiently waiting with bated breath for the sound of the Grand National starter pistol. 

Baz ‘The Philosopher’ McCrea 

Commander Paul ‘Pretty Boy’ Borthwick

Field Marshall Maximus ‘Guns’ Kelly

Professor ‘Doc’ Coulson 

GK Steph ‘The Cat’ Jones

RWB Katie ‘The Dark Destroyer’ Ellison 

CB  Brogan ‘Brogba’ Prudhoe

CB Rachel ‘Toes’ Mellor

CB Lynsey ‘ELLE’ Longhurst 

CDM Tiegan ’Tieganegger’ Hutchinson 

LWB Jessica ‘The Jellyfish’ Ellison

CDM Sarah ‘The Inferno’ Burn 

ST Hannah ‘East 17’ McStay 

ST Laura ‘The Hockinator’ Hockaday

ST Nichole ‘The Giant Slayer’ Havery


Elizabeth ‘Tommo’ Thompson-Clarke 

Abigail ‘The Wind’ Thompson 

Lucy ‘Wolverine’ Jackman

Kacie ‘The Sunshine ’ Elson 

The gun went off the whistle blew, ya get the idea… 🙄 Game on!! 

The Hockinator was ‘getting amongst it’ early doors and was rewarded unkindly with a howitzer of a ball full in the face!! 😳

Oooofff!!! Suspected broken bracket…😳

Dazed but unfazed she looked for support and help from the sidelines…

Her head lifted slowly, listening for a voice, a guiding light, a friendly tone to be the catalyst for her recovery from such a shocking impact…

Commander McCrea provided the emotional outburst which all coaches are taught lesson one in Coaching School…..

With lungs hanging oot 😳

he showed the sensitivity, concern and love which only a Head coach can muster…

As he boomed, all red faced and sweaty and with all his might, 

‘now get yerself in the box man!!!’ 

The Mighty Brogba 

(or ‘The gorgeous One’) 

as The Reverend Smith refers to her…✋

Avoided the sin bin but was carded for Explaining to the referee 

 “the error of her ways” 😤

Fortunately for Brogba a butterscotch tone reflected from her Zygomatic bones

rather than the Poppy coloured card we all feared 🧐

The Durham midfield player was concussed after the Cat’s stratospheric kick out caused what can only be described as ‘GBH into the turf!’

 The speeding ball glowed red from the friction of stratospheric air, a smouldering ball of ice on it’s re-entry to Earth’s atmosphere, the icy layer of frost had not completely melted leaving a cannonball to head… 

cue head impact 😳

cue unconscious Durham player😤


Seconds later Brogba was flattened by a point blank howitzer into the lady kite!

Badly Winded, eyes gleaming like saucers but without a care in the world, Brogba’s Intel core settings quickly reset to Default…

Objective One- 

lay waste to the opposition.. 

Gladiator-mode.. 💪 

Durham started well, having plenty of the possession and an early shot at the Cestrian goal, but this didn’t last for long. 

On 7 minutes in and Chester were awarded a free kick which The Giant Slayer took…

she has a voracious appetite for goals and today would be no different…

She went all ‘Top Gun’ 

as she smashed the free kick into the danger zone,🤨 but Durham fortuitously scrambled the ball behind for a corner.

 15 minutes in and Chester broke the deadlock, an intelligent ball over the defenders from The Inferno, yep Burnsy was back!! 👏👏👏👏

As she deftly found The Giant Slayer in space.

Could she get a shot away?? 

Why aye man! One touch and an assured 

Finish left the keeper with no chance, 

1-0 and happy days. 

Five minutes later, and a great chance for Chester to extend the lead – 

The Giant Slayer was through on goal after doing a Paul Daniels, working her magic and into the penalty box.

Poised, aggressive and determined 

she smashed a volley goalward….


The Durham keeper leapt gymnastically and parried the ball away and out of dangers way…

A great bit of build-up in midfield between ‘East 17’ and ‘The Inferno’,

The crowd helping to lift the players as they sang enthusiastically…

‘Burn Baby Burn, Disco Infernooooo!!’

 The ball was played out wide right,

 The Hockinator darted into the channel, shifted gear into 6th and easily beat the left back.

She whipped a Beckham-esque ball across the box. 

The arcing Exocet beat the keeper and Durham defenders….

The Jellyfish sped like a Dolphin on the crest of wave up the pitch and reached the back post just in time to synchronise her metatarsal…

The muscular ‘gluteus maximus’s’ rose from the Cestrian Bench, 

mouths agog,😳 but sadly The Jellyfish couldn’t deliver the sting in the tail she would have wanted to….

so unlucky!! 😤 but great commitment


25 minutes in and Durham were awarded a very controversial free kick; 

what initially looked like a collision of two players was then given as a free kick. 

Go figure..🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

From 25 yards, Jen Knowles put it in the far-right hand side of The Cat’s goal, 

No chance for The Cat, a great strike and 1-1… that’s Footy for ya Baz. 🙄

2 minutes later The Giant Slayer was fouled by Kari-Ashi followed by 

Ashi-Waza, no you’d be wrong to think they were two Japanese defenders…😳

But In fact 2 monstrous leg sweeping judo moves on the goal machine in Durham’s penalty area, 😳

the referee just waved it away

‘As mere poppycock!!!? ‘

An absolute ‘stone waller’ in the eyes of many gathered there…😤😤😤

Late on in the first half Durham’s goal keeper struggled to deal with a back pass; miss-kicked it and the ball landed at The Giant Slayer’s mighty feet,

 she laid it off to ‘East 17’ who smashed a great shot away, but was well smothered by Durham’s keeper.

45 minutes and Chester were awarded a free kick after The Giant Slayer was cynically fouled on the right side of the 18-yard line.

 There was competition to take the kick, but who would want to go head to head with The Giant Slayer…

I fear she would end me🤨👊

The Giant Slayer simply placed the ball down, whispered a sweet nothing to it before removing the leather off of it!!   

Bosh!!! top left-hand corner, 

the keeper had no chance!! 

Euphoria for The Cestrian travelling fans,

2-1 and time to serve up Mr Delmonte’s oranges and a hot cup of Earl Grey darling 🧐

The 2nd half ensued…

The Tieganegger stretched her mighty quads, and lifted Maximus Kelly clean above her head just to intimidate the Durham players.

They knew a 2nd half of pain would be unleashed upon them at any moment,

it was akin to something from The ThunderDome!

We didn’t need another hero, 😉

cause we had 11 on the pitch already.. 


The Cestrians romped it, they galloped head strong through The Durham defence, attack after attack… 

It was an undeniable desire fed by a 5 course banquet of Unerring passion, 

a side dish of vitriolic defiance,

polished off with a Jeroboam of blood sweat and tears…. 👊

The Durham late supper paled into insignificance and was simply a smorgasbord of sour grapes… 🤨

The Inferno was on fire, 

Burnsy cut out any ball daring enough to endanger our defensive line..

She was The Guns of Navarone

She was The Battle of Britain 

She was Zulu all rolled into one! 💪

The Cestrians ran wild, and dominated the opposition…

Incisive one touch passing creating some great power plays..

The Giant Slayer going close with a diving header past the post, that Tom Daley would have been proud of!

‘The Sunshine’ came on early in the 2nd half and broke thru the clouds making her mark as she brought Durham a whole world of hurt…. 

she had a broken hand previously 

but looked absolute Tungsten! 

‘The Sunshine’ proved to be a real threat straight away on the left wing as she made penetrating attacking runs, 

the best being a fantastic counterattack from just inside her own half; 

She breezed past a couple of midfielders and defenders, driving into the 18 yard box, just the finish to create a goal of the season, 😳

but her pummelling shot was well saved by the keeper.

Durham decided to try and thwart The goal Machine-Giant Slayer, 

as if a mere stomping into her torso would have any effect….🤣🤣🤣🤣

That lass is made of girders! 

‘Give Owa…’ 

5 minutes later and following some great combination play between The Giant Slayer and The Dark Destroyer…

‘The Sunshine’ danced like a spring lamb and breached the Defensive trenches, breaking thru to fire a Messi-esque shot into the far corner of the goal. 

Tremendous touch!! 

but the linesman on the far side flagged for offside!! 😡😡😡😡what!?? 

Where was The Russian linesman when ya needed him🤔

(In The Siberian salt mines probably)

Chester-le-Street’s second substitution came on, 22 minutes left for The Wolverine to tear them to pieces….

 she replaced ‘East 17’. 

The Hockinator was hungry for

Action, the first chance came after some great movement to create space, resulting in a superb connection and a cannonball of a shot! 

but for the guts of the keeper it was a certain goal…. 😤

the second chance saw The Hockinator stomp Thru on goal, forcing her way into the 6 yard box, sadly she was unable to keep her deft touch on the ball below the bar.

Finally, The Hock, like a fine wine 😉mature and complex came to the fore.

We all knew it was just a matter of time..

The Hockinator was scanning the box for space, half machine-half Cestrian sinew, a free kick close to the half way line was pummelled into the Durham 18 yard box…

Captain Hockinator levitated like some Indian Buddhist Yogi in La Ramblas, but more torpedo than statue, she met the ball with a perfectly timed leap and synchronised an exquisite header, sending the ball arcing into the far corner of the goal. 

Coffin Shuffled into position, 

nail firmly hammered home! 🙏

The Hockinator had been sent back in time to cause havoc amongst the opposition…

she had been programmed to never stop, never question her syntax…

She thoroughly deserved her rewards,

not only for herself but for Chester Town!


The Philosopher had done his research well…

The Cestrians were dominant,

I was pleased it wasn’t the score it could have been… as I had totally forgotten to bring my Abacus… 😉🤣

Full time and Chester-le-Street head into the next round of the FA Cup 1-3 winners against Durham Cestria, a thoroughly dominant and deserved performance from The Cestrians. 



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