Monday, January 25
Chester-le-Street, UK


Barry Potter and the Philosopher’s Goals

Stockport v Chester Town Ladies 


Philosopher Baz

Commander Borthwick

Football Field Marshall Maximus Kelly 

GK Steph ‘The Cat’ Jones

RCB Abigail ‘The Wind’ Thompson

CB  Brogan ‘Brogues’ Prudhoe

LCB Lynsey ‘ELLE’ Longhurst 

LWB Katie ‘The Dark Destroyer ’ Ellison

LWB Jessica ‘The Jellyfish’ Ellison

CDM Anna ‘Giggsy’ Collin (capt)

CDM Lucy ‘Wolverine’ Jackman

CAM Tiegan ‘Tieganegger’ Hutchinson

ST Laura ‘The Hockinator’ Hockaday

ST Nichole ‘The Giant Slayer’ Havery


Rachel ‘Toes’ Mellor

Kim ‘Kids in America’ Wild

The first Division Cestrian’s travelled the long journey to newly promoted Mancunian Stockport County, in search of 3 points on the opening game of the season. 

On this most beautiful of days, the magnificent Edgeley Park awaited The Cestrian Gladiators.

Like our Mining heritage of old, we would need to Dig deep today 🤨

The last time the two sides met was in the 2015-16, when the Cestrians did the devastating double over them with a 3-1 win away and a 2-0 win at home.  

‘A 2 goal divide would suit us again very nicely thank you very much!!’

As Philosopher Baz went about his preparations for the game. 

He had researched, planned and prepared to Within an inch of his Life, 

No Philosopher stone left unturned in his quest for success.

The Cestrians looked amazing in their claret tops, a Karl Lagerfeld design from one of Maximus’s favourite designers🤣

The Claret was representative of the blood, sweat and tears our lady’s footballing team sheds on the pitch. 

Maximus Kelly doubled up as deputy coach and Security…

The Ex-Boxer was built for combat

and today it could prove necessary to have those skills. 

Stockport started brightly for the first couple of minutes, playing out nicely from the back with some decent passing patterns and a bit of movement from the centre midfielders. 

However the warning signs were there for them as early as the 3rd minute as The Giant Slayer burst into the box, 

The Giant Slayer  threw down the gauntlet. She meant business as her 6’2’’ frame cast a foreboding shadow over Stockport’s box,  a last ditch tackle stopping the shot on target. 

On 5 minutes The Giant Slayer got in behind and to the byline,  Donetta 🤨Reeves for Stockport managed to slide in to stop the cut back and they managed to scrambled the ball clear. 

Stockport continued to play out from the back with their 2 central defenders sitting very deep (almost on the byline) and width of 18 yard box apart, with their fullbacks pushed on very high, creating lots of space and making it difficult for the Cestrian strikers and wing backs to get tight to them.

 The Giant Slayer and The Hockinator took up central positions on the edge of the 18 yard box and split the 4 defenders.

They have guile and are a savvy pair, patiently waiting like a pride of lionesses looking for the gazelle to run… 

And then It happened on 8 minutes, a quick and high press from The Hockinator onto the midfielder who had dropped in to receive from the keeper.

The Stockportian player felt the hot breath of The Hockinator on her neck, and the cold steel of her Phalange joints on her back, she had been sent back in time by Baz in 2027 especially to terminate any hope of victory for the opposition…

the midfielder panicked and passed back to the keeper. The Giant Slayer, like a shark, sensed blood and was onto it in a flash, carving her way thru the Edgely Park carpeted turf (my living room don’t look as good man😳) and smashed the ball passed the keeper!!! 

Euphoria for the travelling hordes…

and 1-0 to the Cestrians.

Captain Giggsy was imperious in midfield, the commandant on the pitch 

 The no.4 was on great form today.

She dealt with a very gobby Stockportian player who at one point was close to being ‘clotheslined’ by Brogues and The Giant Slayer💪

After some unlady like comments, the bait was not enough to goad the experienced Cestrian Ladies. 

The Cestrians continued to press and attack Stockport: on 14 mins The Hockinator made some great room herself, moving like Morpheus from The Matrix and lost the defender and managed to get a shot away from the edge of the area, unfortunately the keeper had took up a good position and it went straight into her hands.

 The constant pressure and attacking from Chester le street denied Stockport any clear chances or shots on goal from open play. It wasn’t until the 18 minute they had their first chance on goal, awarded a freekick just outside of the box, but it was blazed high over the bar. 

Stockport did try to rally for a 10 minute spell, but the defenders and midfield for the Cestrians were so compact and controlling that they blocked anyway through. 

We were like the Berlin Wall, nowt getting thru it!

Stockport were left with just a couple of runs down the sides, which the Cestrian wingbacks dealt with using their guile and savvy ways, blocked, stopped and despatched with aplomb. 

On 29 minutes the Cestrians were awarded a freekick on the right hand side of the box in line with 18 yard line, Wolverine whipped in a great arcing left footed shot, which the keeper did very well to save and keep hold of.

The Cestrians were applying pressure. Just 3 minutes later they were awarded another free kick; again in a dangerous position, as The Giant Slayer was clipped by Stockport’s Munro.. 

She stepped up to take the freekick herself; encouraged by the dugout “It doesn’t go over the bar”; 

She absolutely smashed it into the wall, breaking a Stockportian defender jn two!! Once the body parts had been picked up In the bin bag, it was game on again. 

It was hit that hard it rebounded 50 yards off the wall, and for a moment it started a counter attack for Stockport..😳

A fantastic strike from Chester’s Dark Destroyer on 39 mins, an absolute raker. She cut in from the right hand side and smashed it across the goal, but an equally impressive save from The Keeper who did very well not just to save but to catch it in the dive, with The Cestrian Gladiators waiting to put them to the sword in the box.

HT 0-1, all Chester Town  and very little response from Stockport, on the balance of play it could have been a bigger lead and should have been.

Still we were happy with our lead and ready to build on it, We are Chester!!

Judging by the half team talk – Stockport would come out flying.. 😳

The 2nd half whistle blew and it was all to play for, a game of 2 halves, we had to leave it all on the pitch…Beat the man, take him on, You never give up, it’s one on one….

More worryingly I was running out of cliches!!😳

49 Minutes on the clock and a big chance for the Cestrians to double the lead,  Tieganegger slid in a super pass to The Giant Slayer, but her first time effort is just off target.

‘Brogues’ as always dominated the defensive line… the Enforcer took no prisoners, forthright and decisive 


The Stockport strikers struggled to create much with that Gargantuan present. 

 55 minutes and its all Chester Town, very much on the front foot as another free kick is fired into the box but Stockport scramble it away. 

60 minutes and the County keeper is twice called into action, first getting down well to save a bending effort from Hutchinson, before flying across her goal to tip wide a shot from distance. 

62 minutes and The Giant Slayer again had a chance, great work to break the offside trap, 1v1 with the keeper, but can only poke her shot straight at the thankful Keeper.

It was only a matter of time, 

Chester Town were going all Duran Duran as The Dark Destroyer was In touch with the ground, then on the hunt, she was after them, She Smelt like she sounds, She was lost in a crowd,  but She was hungry like the wolf…

69 minutes on the clock, and some fantastic goalkeeping from The Stockport  Keeper denied the Cestrians on three occasions, before the ball was smashed home at the far post by The Dark Destroyer.

2-0 and breathing space! 

it had been one way traffic.. And now there was only one winner, The Cestrian class shone through. 

72 mins Lucy ‘Wolverine’ Jackman came off, 

and Mellor-Toes came on. 

85 mins Tieganegger came off, 

and ‘Kids in America’ came on. 

The Cat was dominant in the box and made a brave save, falling to the ground to smother the danger as The Stockportian Striker decided to go all Michael Flatley on her as if it was acceptable 😡 to stomp all over The Cestrian Brickwall… 😳

The card produced was a similar colour to the Cestrian shirts, Philosopher Baz was found running the early bath for The Stockport Striker, that’s just what he’s like… always one step ahead of the next man😉

The Cestrians continued to dominate until the final whistle (which included nearly 6 minutes injury time – or should that be for yellow cards, sin bin and a red card)

The Tieganegger going close on two occasions to extend the lead, with a couple of decent bullet shots from the edge of the box. 

A very eventful first game of the season for the Cestrians, packed with some great attacking play, new formation, controversial decisions and great to see new rules being implemented. It was feisty opening game for the 2019-20 season.

Final score 0-2!! 

A brilliant 3 points won by a group of determined  Cestrian Gladiators…

The Philosopher was content…

The Journey home would be shorter and sweeter.




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