Sunday, February 28
Chester-le-Street, UK


‘Billingham Frown’


Chester Town v Billingham Town

Saturday afternoon at Moor Park was infested with activity as The TV crews amassed a huge array of Trucks in blessed anticipation of The game of the year.
This Top of the table clash at Moor Park
was touted by all the TV pundits as The Clash of The Titans…
Billingham’s unbeaten record loomed ominously ahead of us like an 11 headed monster 😳
It would be Chester’s El Clashico,
The Derby, The FA Cup all rolled into one….
Could Ronnie’s old ticker take the massive excitement ahead 🤔
Lord Joel and sidekick Honeyball
were turned out in all their splendour,
Statler and Waldorf were in town and ready to take on the World🤔
Sir Joel Burlison sent me the team sheet via messenger pigeon…
a glance at the papyrus indicated the Spanish Hepp Guardiola would not be included in the starting line up…😳
I was absolutely gutted knowing that my new nickname would not be used in the flowing rubrics of the game🤨
And more Importantly,
would the Christmas sickness bug decimate the Cestrians when we needed all our strength to compete???
The familiar icy cold Easterly wind blew
Through me like a Phantom…
The crowd was bursting out all over,
and The Old Bill were present with a noisy enthusiasm not seen since The Poll Tax had been repealed🤔
The Pitch was in great nick considering the wintery conditions recently…
Caps Doffed all round for Ron😉
As I approached the Stands I had the pleasure of meeting Mr Keith Walker (Crouchy McBan’s Dad) a true Gent
With some very kind and supportive words for Chester Town FC.
The ref’s lips pursed and the whistle blew….
The Undertaker controlled the ball and directed it to Olaf, but just too big for The Norseman to control.
Dicka the Destroyer was covering defence, working like a Trojan.
Billingham were making moves in the box
Whilst Billingham’s answer to Jona Louie warmed up with ‘stop the cavalry!!’
STOP was foremost in my mind🙄
And then more vuvuzelas from
Junior D Burlison only inches from my ‘shell-like’…😳
I yearned for the ears of Beethoven🤔
Back to the game,
Hendo pressure and a corner won for The Cestrians and then Hendo broke up the counteract as well…
Dicka the Destroyer was imperious in  defence, covering well,
shouting commands,
he was simply Mazzanesque.
‘All hail the king’ sprinted down the left wing… looking for the opening,
The door was shut in his face.
Crouchy McBan dominated the stratosphere like ‘air wolf’- (circa ‘84)
Ernest Borgnine would have been proud..
Nobody getting thru the big lad🤔
‘The Old Bill’ marched down the left wing and sprung an incisive attack, one touch football and a devastating finish,
1-0 and problems afoot 🤔
The Mazzinator was strong,
as he should be,
 a shoulder charge leading into the challenge to show them who’s boss 😡
Grantinio tackled with intent in the middle of the park and stopped another dangerous move.
Olaf The Great was chasing hard along with The Meg, and again The Mazzinator went in strong.
DJ Steva blocked well on the left,
The ‘Old Bill’ corner coming in dangerously quick but Dicka the Destroyer headed away confidently,
He has the foreheed of Vinnie Jones,
We were defending for our lives..
The Old Bill had come to take 3 points and we knew it….
It was like Rorkes Drift!!
The Brazilian Grantinio made a mazey dribble showcasing his silky skills
but was hauled down- free kick ref!
Dicka the Destroyer made a great header from the resulting free kick into the box
but Unluckily there was no finish forthcoming. 🤨
The Meg then won a left sided free kick
and The Mazzinator smashed it into the box….alas no bulging net.
The Old Bill won a Corner and the pressure mounted,
John Deacon’s bass riff was playing in my head 🤔
Our reply was resolute and forthright as the corner came in from The Mazzinator’s right boot like an Exocet onto Crouchy McBan’s head…
This was it, 🤔
this was the genesis of the fightback….
but no!! 😳
A powerful header trampolined off
The Big Gordon McQueen lookalike’s heed!
But the gods had all pre-arranged to meet at Chester Town’s Costa Coffee
 for an early morning skinny latte whilst plotting a despicable act of divine intervention 😳
‘And from this day, any Cestrian ball that is struck, will rebound from the woodwork!!’
(Fiddlesticks For Sure)
We were making moves.. we were carving out chances….
The undertaker cleared defensive  danger again…
Dicka the Destroyer shepherded the
Speedy ‘Old Bill’ striker into touch and got the goal kick he desired…
He was like a burly bouncer from ‘Crocs’ leading a dodgy character out of the club through a side door entrance.
We were defending well as a unit…
It was like the 5th platoon out of Wisconsin Taking on The whole of the Luftwaffe!!
It was looking grim.😫
The Mazzinator got down and dirty but cruelly got a yellow for his beauty of a tackle,
and when I say beauty,  I thought I was watching Danny Hepp in the showers.. 🤣
The Mazzinator then took flight in the 6 yard box like a hummingbird, the only winged creature to be able to move forwards or backwards in flight…
As his diving defensive header firmly left the box warp 9 Captain Talisman🙌
Then I heard the low growling rumble of the Double Bass as The Jaws music Resonated in my mind…
The Meg arose from the watery depths and moved in for the Kill to dispossess The Old Bill and furthermore set up Olaf The Great with a chance to endanger The Old Bill’s goal mouth, but alas we were thwarted. 🥴
Then a piece of goal of the season DVD back catalogue footage was shown in live 3D vivid Panasonic colour as our very own Brazilian Grantinio volleyed from 25 yards…
Catching it perfectly, it soared skywards with an evil arcing dip on it…
The Brazillian cannonball was like a laser sighted ballistico missilo…
As the ball hovered over the out stretched finger tips of the keeper,
The Cestrian stands cooed in unison.
The Old Bill supporters had mouths agog as Joel and Ron elevated themselves to celebrate…..🙌🙌🙌🙌
But No!!! It clanked disappointingly against the left hand post…
surely it’s over the line???
  ‘VAR!!’ Ronnie spat and snarled defiantly.
We peered hopefully as it rolled along the line of the goal, I found myself blowing my carbon dioxide plumes towards the ball as if to assist its chances of deviating from it’s predestined journey along the painted white line…
But tears and frustration were prevalent amongst the hordes,  as the sphere rolled out for a goal kick..
😳unbelievable Jeff!!
The keeper was obviously in league with Lucifer, 👿
I had only 4 letter words for the gods.
Then a dagger through the Cestrian hearts!!
as a quick thinking Old Bill Striker broke through on goal and smashed an Exocet at our goal…
The brave Panther made himself big and deflected it but it was destined for the net and 2-0.
As dusk descended upon the Utopian Moor Park I realised it was time for the comfort of beer and the warmth of the clubhouse….
Danny B’s vuvuzelas performance was exemplary as he played his favourite
‘Londonderry Air’…..
The crowd sang along heartily, hoping to instil a much needed emotional lift…
‘Oh Danny boy,
The pies the pies are
Caaaaa-llllling’ 🤣
Half time ensued and time to regroup.
We slalomed our way through the Billingham massive to The Golden Girls…
Their beautiful, smiling, welcoming faces anaesthetised me, somewhat momentarily,
from the pain and the memory of the match…
Hot Pie and frothy pint in hand we talked positively about the vengeance that we would bestow upon The Old Bill for such a first half roasting… anything is possible, you just need belief and we had that in buckets man!!
As we approached our seats we were Instantly 3-0 down 😳 OMG!
defensive errors allowed the Old Bill to capitalise on indecision and the uphill struggle was inclined another degree higher.
It was all looking a bit Phil Collins ..
Jackets were definitely required,
But The odds were stacked against us🤔
The Meg went down the right wing like a whippet but was immediately scythed down as if dancing through a cornfield!
Captain Mazzinator came off to rapturous applause, 🙌🙌🙌🙌
 The Dominator (Laws) came on primed and ready to make an impact.
Dicka the Destroyer then passed into the box via ‘all hail the king’
Who found The Dominator who just headed wide…
The Phoenix stood on the sidelines looking for a game,
He was fired up and ready to leave those ashes behind!! 😡
The Flying Scotsman and
Dan Super-MAC came on looking for goals… Much needed goals🤨
The Old Bill pressure threatened us again and a great save from The Young Panther diving to his left full stretch ensured we still had chances in this game.
Not only is The Aaronius Pantherus a great keeper, ( but to those who did not read the recent Twitter comments)
he is a true professional, and a role model for the youth teams, with an old head on young shoulders and a great ambassador for The Cestrians..🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Cestrian pressure was borne not of frustration, but from the hard fought free kick and corner which we had won, something had to give🤔
The Flying scotsman was running like the wind… could the whippet catch the rabbit for the first time🤔
then a breakaway by The Old Bill
and a one on one with The Panther as he repelled the bullet shot point blank.
He was like David Blaine trying to catch a bullet in his mouth, such was the ferocity and velocity of the incoming missile!
They came again,
We were under the cosh….
and we succumbed to a sublime top corner finish 4-0.
We needed a super hero,
We needed an upset not seen since the Old Trumpster came into power🤔
 I scanned the pitch and hoped to see Crouchy McBan sprinting and tearing his shirt open to reveal The Big ‘S’
Super-Ban!!! But alas no…..😌
I stopped day dreaming and returned to planet Earth once more…
As The Meg crossed into the box after some great wing work and a corner was won.
The ball fell to ‘All Hail the King’
 but his shot, through a crowded box,
was easily collected by their keeper.
Dicka the Destroyer was looking frustrated by the score line and
took out the Old Bill defender…
Giving the Old Bill Physio a 2nd chance to show her skills with the magic sponge.
Super-Mac made a good recovery breaking up a counter attack by executing a hooking sliding tackle to set up The Meg for a pinpoint cross to The Flying Scotsman who was just knocked off his floating feet by What I’d call Old Bill turbulence,
‘dirty air’ is what the pilots refer to it as….
 or dirty tactics perhaps🤔
His Header never threatened… it was getting even more physical now.
DJ Steva cleared the right wing well
and covered the imminent dangers which were persistent.
The Old Bill came at us on the left and The Panther bravely saved us again….
toe nail, nostril or earlobe they all count!!
Dicka the Destroyer was imperious again, and had shown the Old Bill what a proper centre back looks like… rising to head and clear time after time.
DJ Steva’s last ditch tackle stopped a certain chance on goal…
we were still fighting even when we had taken a beating.
We were ready for the showers after a hard afternoon at Moor Park.
The whistle blew and The Old Bill took the 3 points deservedly.
We will be back Bigger and Stronger…
‘So be strong and courageous, all you who put your hope in Chester Town’
Psalms 31:24
‘A Happy and prosperous New Year to all Cestrians’


  1. Keith Walker says:

    Michael, you’ve even made an arse kicking a great read. Thanks for the kind words also. Onward and upward, let’s take our frustration out on Esh next game.

    • Michael Sharp says:

      Many thanks Lord Keith McBan,
      Always a pleasure..

      Thanks for taking the time to reply and also to read my lengthy ramblings🤔

      I hope you managed to pick out all the song refs/titles encrypted within the report 😌

      As a musician I like to include these hidden gems on a weekly basis…. some, more obvious than others😉

      Bring on the Sesh at Esh!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

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