Friday, February 26
Chester-le-Street, UK



Chester Town v Billingham Synthonia  

A barmy hot September day greeted The Cestrian Army at Moor Park…
The usual Thousands had turned out looking for a feeding frenzy of endorphins…
The referee’s whistle woke me from my absorption of Vitamin D. 
We started with intent. 
The Fringe had turned into  ‘Hellboy’ 
Red faced, aggressive and horns had begun protruding, 😳
He was also showing signs of a metamorphosis  into Johan cruyf on the left side of midfield, touch, speed and balance all in symmetry… 
Tenacious D was commanding alongside Captain Crouchy McBan, both defensively aware and strong in the pursuit of the hallowed clean sheet. 
Would today be so kind as to deliver us from evil, and give us our daily clean sheet🤔
Mr Blonde was working tirelessly 
He was omnipresent and had a fire in his veins today.. 
Golden Brown was on the ball, strong and  swift of movement… laying the ball off 
Simply but intelligently. 
Tenacious D intercepted and made a great tackle stopping an obvious attack on the right wing. 
But then a Dagger thru the Cestrian heart after the 1st old Bill attack of the day ensued…. 
a dangerous ball in and a flick of the head and 1-0…. Too easy man! 
Free header and undone again at the back. 😡
It was an uphill task, but we had the players and the guile to defeat The Old Bill…
Collinnio then took a hit in the Testiclinnios 😳 ouch!! 
A Water break ensued… whilst we counted the sphericals🤨
Jesus Coomberaggio performed a miracle..
No bread or fishes were on show, 
just a Point blank save as he dropped like a sack of tatties and knee blocked a certain goal… 
absolute genius! 
Collinnio was taken down heavily after a lovely dribble thru on goal… 
A Free kick given and a great curler flighted to the Bottom  left corner of the goal, We lifted ourselves up to strain our necks, eyes full of hope..
But The Old Bill’s Cat Dived full length and parried well… ooff!! Close!!!
The Diva was taken down horribly and needed medical attention…..
Jesus Coomberaggio covered well in goal as the ball scampered across the box seeking the onion bag.. but Jesus was equal to it🙏
Crouchy McBan went all Sol Campbell on us ‘did he think he was in a corn field’ 😳
(15th June 1998 Marseille)
As he cynically scythed down the Old Bill Striker… it was glorious💪
as Crouchy removed the striker’s legs with the touch of a surgeon🤣🤣
 it was getting tasty as they pushed for a 2nd,  Off the head of The Old Bill Striker and goal bound….
As it looped over Cestrian heads Jesus could only pray for divine intervention.. the Reverend C. Ross Bar came to the rescue. 😳
Harrison ‘The Great’ Scott chosen for
The no.2 shirt today was very confident and assured with his touch…  deft, agile but firm. 
Golden Brown turned psycho as he became Golden Bear 💪as he mauled the old Bills no.8… ref had words and said 
‘Howay man, finish him next time’ 🤣
‘Hellboy’ was imperious, intense… there was an urgency about him, he wouldn’t settle for 2nd best today,
as his face turned red, he had sparred earlier with The Old Bill and now he Looked ready to spontaneously combust! 😡
Wakey’s voice had gone! 
He’d gone all Jimmy Kranky, his audible output just a squeak in the upper vocal register, WD40 or Perhaps He needed a surrogate voice box…
Crouchy McBan and Tenacious D were the head-Meisters, nowt getting passed them… the duality of thumping cranium and leather was a constant companion to Moor Park’s grassy auditorium. 
A dangerously questioning ball looped goal ward  around the 18 yard line before Jesus Coomberaggio ran out at warp 9 and smashed the ball into the Milky Way…  Av it!! 
The Bomber then made his arrival and came on for Dirk who came off injured.. 
Then the chance we had waited for as a collision of bodies in The Old Bill’s box left the ball rolling towards Golden Brown….
as he composed himself to deliver the blow he proceeded to welly it just over the bar! 
Ooofffr!! So close man… 
We were pressing hard, it was gonna be tight… 
Half time appeared before our eyes, 
My boy James demanded pie! 
I retorted it’s around about 3.14159265359 😉
His response, silence and distain for his Father… pie eaten and back to the task in hand… put The Smoggys to the sword!!
We started brightly, and The Old Bill looked rattled and were making mistakes…
Hell Boy won a free kick 30 yards out, 
Time to go all Edward Woodward and equalise! The Bomber lined up the shot, hit it accurately and firmly, low as a snake’s belly but The keeper saved well to his right. 
The Bomber crossed in and it ran long to Collinio who floated a lovely ball in…..
the resulting corner bobbled off Crouchy’s boot laces and despair…😳
Another missed opportunity! 
Wakey crescendoed out loudly ‘TIME!!! TIME!!’ 
More Vandross than Kranky now, 
he had obviously found a spare voice box in the kit bag🤔
Mr Blonde carved the ball off Ron’s beautiful turf, as it floated from the right wing The Old Bill Keeper flapped like a Granny swotting a blue bottle, ooffff!! ‘It’s ganning in Man!!’
Then a doink and off the bar after a cross come shot nearly embarrassed The Old Bill Keeper… 😤
A rare Old Bill attack was parried and knocked out for a corner..
Tenacious D was on his toes as he sprinted to the edge of the box and sorted out the Striker by fairly fetling him big style…  
a great intervention, hard and fair, and all you would expect from The Cestrian Rock… 💪Bosh!! 
The ball eventually returned into our box, Jesus Coomberaggio showed his levitation skills, they had not waned a bit over the last 2000 years… 🙏
The leathery orb destined for the roof of the goal, and with sunshine in eyes The Messiah tipped the booming shot over the bar..   sheer class!! 
Golden Brown came off for Harry ‘The Cat’ Whisker at no.14…
He Looked determined to make an impact…
A lovely chance fell to The Bomber as he  hit a boomer, but again the ball found the cabbage patches of The Church Mouse and not the onion bag we so desperately desired.
Jesus Coomberaggio performed another miracle as he dived full length, 
as The Old Bill tried to squeeze the Ball passed him.. we were still in this! 
The Premiership results had all come in by now, before the board was lifted at Moor Park and the Injury time stood at 5 mins. 
Ooohhh another break on our goal and weak tackling provided a glorious chance  for the Old Bill as we looked agape in defence, but The Diva sprinted the full pitch, more Usain Bolt than Diva as he saved us at the back from certain defeat.
Then a coming together occurred in the latter stages, ‘handbags’ is the standard terminology…. it’s Northern League, it’s footy, and it happens…
Passions overflow and players rag each other about… 
no punching-no head butting 
Just passion…. 
Tenacious D saw the red card being brandished and was as incredulous as the stadium was… 
The ref had seen something that nobody else had seen… 🤨 
Numb and disappointed by the turn of events, we continued to keep the pressure on… 
The Great Scott made a brilliant full blooded tackle before a counterattack could be borne of frustration, 
putting the Old Bill into Row Z as the ball blasted off into the stratosphere..
JB and Sir Dave Winter flinched as the impact caused a major blast wave towards the stands, an episode not seen since Middlesbrough had won silverware or the eruption of Krakatoa😳
1889. 🤣
The whistle blew and tears ensued
1-0… 😔
A light at the end of the tunnel appeared in the form of Mr Coomberaggio Senior who was with family just in from Thailand..
They greeted me warmly with smiling faces, Jesus’s girlfriend was also part of the happy throng… 
We talked and shook hands, 
It was a pleasure to welcome them to Moor Park. 
They had brought the weather and a Thai warmth I have not felt since 2006 in Koh Samui… 
My only regret was that we didn’t share in the celebrations of victory, 
but we will be back again,
Bigger and stronger! 

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