Sunday, February 28
Chester-le-Street, UK



Willington v Chester Town


The 4 Pie men of The Apocalypse arrived  at Willington on the sunniest of evenings.. we were bouncing with excitement! 
The Football press had been reporting about The Big Game all day, 
Which of the two Northern Gargantuans would be victorious 
and here it was, no more sleeps.. 
Tenacious D was stopped by the Willington police trap before reaching the ground, they had introduced an amnesty on offensive weapons, and had been tipped off by Grantinio about Dicka’s Magnum 44 right boot🤔
I called 1-1 whilst Wildey called it 4-2, his crystal ball really Needs an M.O.T. 🤨
The chips got 8/10 from young Master Ben Cummingston-Smythe 😉
It was apparent early on that the Pitch had many parallels with the moon’s surface, ‘a bumpy Mutha’ would have been overly generous…😳
It had a robust corrugated quality, which added to its unevenness, Percy Thrower would have been envious due to The copious amounts of Cauliflowers sporadically growing across the pitch..
It’s dangerous topology left many fearing a trip to The local A&E out patients 🤨
The whistle blew and the 12 year old Referee began his rollercoaster ride of a match. 
A skeleton Chester squad was present, we prayed for no injuries and a fast start… 
Greavesy cleared a dangerous attack with aplomb,  The Flying Scotsman was running the line well with boundless energy, handsomely silhouetted against The napalmed Willington skyline, (you can keep ya Malibu sunsets)
The young leaping Labrador was ferocious and feral, but in a good way. 
Then Header tennis ensued between Crouchy McMurray-Ban and Willington’s midfield, somebody called Norris McWhirter to adjudicate as we narrowly fell short of a Guiness world record.😤
47 nods back and forth, back and forth 😳, guaranteed no bobbling on the horrendous turf😳
As the blazing Mexican sun dipped we felt the freeze set in the locals battened down the hatches and the beacons of Gondor were lit…  yes one look around us and we were definitely in middle Earth. 🥺
Wakey was in ‘Cheap as Chips’ mode as he began shouting like he was on Chester market auctioning a meat tray off…. 
Mighty impressive speed, delivery and fluency on show..
I bought 5lb of sausages from him without even a thought!! 👏
Willington pushed on and had  a chance seen away easily off Jesus’s woodwork 😳 which when I read it back, seems very apt for Easter 🤨
Jesus Coomberaggio was imperious, like a Lion prowling over his territory, 
he dominated the 18 yards without question, the bobbly pitch causing him no problems. 
Our only distraction at pitch side was
Wildey who was obsessed with the hypnotic powers of the aromatic Burger bar…. 
We tossed a coin and ‘heads’ stared back at me, 
We would be eating before half time!!
Crouchy McBan was covering well at the back and Tenacious D was impenetrable 😳
Greavesy was pure class, like a bodyguard mimicking the moves of the attackers.. 
Steva The Diva was taking control and sending some great balls into the danger areas.
The Mazzinator was in total control, back in his rightful place… the general was in town.. he sensed it would be a game of 
Blood and Guts, right up his Strasse! 
Then out of nowhere we were smacked in the face as a hopeful 50 yard punt forward caught a Lucky bounce and fell for the Willingtonian Striker, a good slot, Jesus Coomberaggio left with no chance at full stretch.😤
Tenacious D was then kicked about like a UFC competitor😳
Cut in two blatantly, a free kick but no yellow 😳
The crowd stood with faces of incredulity, mouths agog, we had to comfort ourselves in the knowledge that Dicka was not seriously injured. 
Then The Flying Scotsman was floored just outside the Willington Box, the yellow card from before had been held back for the Young Willingtonian for this much lesser severe tackle on our young Striker🤔
work that one out😳
half time ensued- 
The 4 pie men had a little knock about on the wasteland near the pitch, what skills were on show 🙌🙌🙌🙌👏👏👏
Master Ben Cummingston-Smythe was on form, cruyff turns and keepy-ups, mesmerising man… just hadn’t brought his boots🙄
We summised the wasteland was probably about the same quality as the Match pitch, apart from the dog excrement, pizza boxes and old cans of Fanta of course🤔
The expedition to the North Pole, I mean Willington, had not gone to plan so far, for a start we had taken a catastrophic wrong turn somewhere near Neville’s cross and ended up In Frodo territory….
also  the temperature continued to drop making typing impossible 🙄
Day 35 at Base Camp and the expedition supplies were running low, 
however Wildey ate his body weight in potatoes during the first half which helped morale amongst the men.
It was lifted further with a Crouchy McBan shot on goal, a belter of a 40yard shot on the 47th min!! 
Whoosh as it exocetted towards the Goal, Only for the keeper to find it safely within his gloves…
A lovely Pass from The Mazzinator to Hendo left him 18 yards out, 
Boom!! A pile driver of a shot blocked by ribs and sinew… oooffff!!! 
and a sublime 2nd shot from Hendo had goal written all over it, but was magnificently finger tip saved by the Willington keeper…. 😳
Another Mazzinator spectacularly threaded ball found The Flying Scotsman at full speed, 
but he was felled and unable to take advantage of the chance. 
The light was particularly grim now that the supernova light had surpassed us…
The 40 watters were struggling.
Jesus Coomberaggio hit a long ball and Scotty knocked it into the box almost nothing thru a header, own goal ooohhh!!
Scotty was then yellow carded for a meaty tackle after closing down the Willington defender…
at one point Scotty was surfing on the man’s chest playing a banjo to the tune of ‘The Devil went down to Georgia’ 🤣
It looked like an ambulance would be required, but miraculously both players got up and exchanged gentlemanly pleasantries🤣
Again Scotty was in the mix,
He must have had red meat for his tea ‘the neet’ 😳 as he was laid out by a vicious tackle, and with an injury he was replaced by Mr ‘Harry’ Pussycat.
Another Cestrian Ball into the box raised The Meg from the deep as he smashed a volley into the goal and lifted the roof off The stadium… 
Off side my arse!! 
It was all Chester Town, 
Crouchy Mc Ban received a fast ball from Jesus Coomberaggio and tamed it like a disobedient lion cub….
Megged the attacker and waltzed onto midfield passing forward like a De Bruyne…
The Willington defender did not know it but he had been Selected for Mazzination, as he was laid to waste.. 
Captain Maz, always the gentleman though, checked he was ok as he helped him back onto his stumps. 🤣
We were pushing for it… would it come 🤔
We were all over them. 
A Great effort 2nd half, and really deserved a point from it.
1-0 it stayed 😤
Full time and home to cry myself to sleep…..
#8moresleeps 💪


  1. Keith Walker says:

    Quality as ever Sharpie. Live reporting from games next season should be on the agenda😜👍. Sky sports here we come🤔

  2. Chester Jester says:

    Now ya talking Lord McBan👍 Many thanks for the kind words… Live Reporting is the future, but I worry for the edit, JB would insist on a 7 second broadcast delay in case of Ronnie’s blasphemous comments😳

  3. Jonathan says:

    Really enjoy the match reports.
    Need to brush up this week on identity of our substitute😉 #toomanyharrys

    • Michael Sharp says:

      A thousand apologies..🙏
      Duly amended, it’s good to see folk proof reading my stuff👍
      I have been writing without a team sheet the last 2 reports 🤨

Leave a Reply

I accept that my given data and my IP address is sent to a server in the USA only for the purpose of spam prevention through the Akismet program.More information on Akismet and GDPR.