Monday, March 8
Chester-le-Street, UK



Chester le Street Town
v Heaton Stannington
The Brooks Mileson Memorial Cup.
Tuesday Nights had never been so exciting man…
Apart from The Golden Girls Pub Quiz At The Whitehills Pub there was nowt ganning on in Chester Town…
Or so I’d thought🤔
The blinding glow of the 40 watt bulbs above Moor Park was illuminating, it was time to see if Chester Town had the heart and desire for more silverware.
A night so cold that even Ranulph Fiennes had stayed away for fear of frostbite on his remaining stumps….
freezing was not even close,
Open the Club house door and the light came on!
that’s what am talkin’ aboot😳
But this is Chester Town, we’re bred with
Pit posts for legs and pit pony’s buttocks, just look at Captain Maz for one….
Tonight would test every sinew of strength and every ventricle in our hearts…. would we be up to it 🤔
The game started with the usual combative mode, 50-50 with no quarter given…
The Young Steavens was in goal tonight,
And what a prospect this lad is….
To call him ‘The Cat’ is to disrespect the lad,  he is ‘Pantheras Steavenas’
(Latin for a bloody good goalie)
Then the equilibrium of the Chester universe was broken as a Worldie thumped into the Chester goal from the edge of the area😳
OMG we weren’t expecting that!
Unstoppable and 1-0 down.
Now normally The olive branch is often used as a sign meaning peace,
(‘Olive Tree’ the Latin meaning for Oliver)
not today it wasn’t as The Young Norseman ‘Olaf The Great’
set about The Heatonians….
Half time….
and a chance to re-group.
The first half had not seen the best from The mighty Chesteronians, but the masses were baying!!
Baying for pies and beer mostly🤔
We competed well in the second half, with several chances dropping for both sides, stalemate in the chess battle of the century.
The Candy Man knew it wasn’t over,
He was looking to terrorise the opposition’s defence with some silky touches, before smashing a right foot shot off the post from the edge of the area from a lovely right wing cross!! Ooooh!!
So close man!!
Ronnie’s glasses just fell off in the melee….
and Sir J Burlison was just too frozen to bend down and pick them up…
and immediately after the panic,
a second chance was painfully squandered as The Candy Man caught a header beautifully, rising upon a gusting zephyr as if at home in the Rocky Mountains…  half man half peregrine falcon, about to consume his prey…
but no 😳 too much purchase on it saw the leather sphere travel just north of the bar….
and Despair😱
Olaf The Great then carved out a chance to level the sides at 1-1…. the Chester hordes went wild, enough to raise the blood from solid state to liquid for a nano-second..
The Heatonians saw their chance in the 88th minute as a speculative ball caused The Chester defence to panic and gifted an opportunity which was well taken..
2-1 was it all over!!??
Chance gone, the ref was twitching for the whistle and full time…

Now The Vikings first invaded Britain in AD 793 and last invaded in 1066 when William the Conqueror became King of England after the Battle of Hastings.

The Third and final invasion happened in the 92nd minute as Olaf The Great chased down a lost cause from a long ball and nicked it passed the keeper,

poking the ball around the defender and keeper from the 18 yard line, it rolled and it bobbled as we saw a Heatonian defender’s shadow engulf the 6 yard box,

was it salvation??

or was it disaster?

Would it be penalties??

Or Would Olaf The Great be the hero??

The ball rolled defiantly over the painted line to a resounding Chester roar and 2-2..

‘He-ro!! He-ro!!! Daylight come and I wanna go home’ 😌

But then a Heatonian attack looked to have undone us once again, as the ball fell to the opposition attacker inside the Chester box and bosh a sledge hammer of a shot towards goal….

Despair, devastation or divine intervention I hear you ask🤔

The Yellow Panther rose up, his hind legs tensed, ready to fire those fast twitch myofibrils into action….

it was poetry in motion from the teenager,

I have undercrackers that are older than this Gargantuan of the Goal but they can’t perform miracles like we saw tonight!

Boom, The Panther took the hit and absorbed the blast wave of kinetic molecules into his body, brave and as resolute as they come, he batted it away like he was Babe Ruth hitting that home run for the New York Yankees in the fifth inning of Game 3 of the 1932 World Series,  in Chicago.

The whistle blew for time.

It was squeaky bum time, sorry🤔

I mean penalties…

Captain Mazzinator stepped up,

With a talismanic aura glowing like ‘ready brek’ he smashed the ball into the goal, Shearer-Esque and 1-0…

By the time we had slotted the 2nd goal we were looking good for the win….

But in true England style we missed the next 3 pens😱

Leaving the tie at 2-2 and sudden death.

Up stepped a man well known for keeping Chester Town FC running -Due to his payment of exorbitant fines over the years..

As Ban took to the penalty spot he said in whispered tones

‘tonight Matthew I’m gonna be

Lionel Andrés Messi’..

And with that he slotted down the middle, as assuredly as David Cameron was at The Brexit Remain vote back in the day🤔

Crouchy McBan had become the saviour of Chester Town FC!

But no, my abacus had embarrassed me…

The Yellow Panther would need to stop the final Heatonian penalty to assure us of Quarter final glory….remember  he had already repelled 3 penalties  through mind games and guile 🤔

I couldn’t watch…  mainly cos Phil’s battery had run out on his phone😳

The striker ran up and hit the pen low to the keeper’s right with some stink on it..

We winced and glared in equal amounts, The Panther leapt as if his Life depended upon it.

We Rejoiced as The Panther once again deflected the ball to safety…  The Open top bus would have to wait as The Young Panther was out late tonight and almost past his bedtime 😳

Victorious and 3-2 on pens🙌

Never ahead in the game, but never behind in their hearts, that’s Chester Town for ya!!

euphoria ensued.


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