Wednesday, May 22

News

Chester-Le-Heat

The 2019 Ernest Armstrong Good Friday Final 

 
Chester Town v Northallerton 
19.04.2019
 
 Good Friday, now let’s forget about the fish and chips…
The sun was shining, it was a biff baker of a day, the first proper day of Summer, the beer was flowing and it was time to get down to business. 
The defending Champions had shown everyone throughout The Northern League what a great defence of the title looks like….
and now with only one solitary obstacle to manoeuvre passed, we held our bated breath. 
The Jester was in town, and This was the day we all had been waiting for…
I was like a 5 year old anticipating Christmas Day, I was wetting meeself😳
The Reverend Joel said prayers before the game….
‘For Joe so loved Chester Town that he gave his one and only Life, that whoever believes in Chester Town shall not perish but Will have a full and eternal Life of football’
(Joel 3:16-17)
Here endeth the lesson…🙏
It was that time, the Chester Massive and Northallertonians had gathered to worship at The Cathedral of Billingham Football Club🙏
Not since that ‘Queen’ concert in Rio had we seen numbers swelling so massively!!
The Chester Massive had brought The A19 to a standstill (the bus driver avoiding all motorways and dual carriage ways in favour of the beautiful Smoggy scenic route)
 We brought in Stephen Hawking’s younger, brighter brother to count the gate, it was abacus time, none of that counting heads Ronnie🙄
Phillipoussis Jupitus Cummingston-Smythe had pushed out the boat, bringing with him several Cestrian FC flags, one of which covered the entire Stadium football stand!!
😳😳😳😳😳😳
It was like ‘The DH2 Ultras’  on tour in Europe! 
 If you were expecting Chester Town to turn up in Liverpool Armani cream suits circa 1996, you wouldn’t have been disappointed…. 
Commander Wake had gathered the Bretheren for an early Parmo and Porridge Breakfast, The Cornerstone for any professional sportsman.
Captain Mazzinator proudly led out his Team, with his 22 years of experience, (debutant in October 1997) family looking on he was immediately filled with nostalgia and all his memories of old. 
A little boy with his Dad kicking a football about and now this…
A Cup Final, a chance for history, back to back Final wins🙏
The Titanic film was launched that year, and today would prove to be nothing less than that. Northallerton had made the final 3 out of 4 years, a strong test was on the cards for The Cestrians.
The Mazzinator was looking as cool as Danny Zuko 😎
Tenacious D was more like The Pearly King🤩
The Meg tanned and airbrushed to perfection👌
The King quoffered to within an inch of his life 
Jesus Coomberaggio had risen early just for this match
The energetic Flying Scotsman was flying around like a paper kite
Crouchy McBan was even too tall for a Jacamo Armani suit and had to be tailored by The BFG dress company
The Hepp was like a rhino- with Hayls having to pour buckets of water over him to stop his skin from cracking 🤨
Grantinio was dancing The Samba, as if he was in a Rio Carnival…
preparation for The Game you understand, everyone has their ways of warming up..😎
The Undertaker had risen from his crypt and changed into the blue and white hoops from his usual Black Transylvanian Garb, Only to be told he was….
 ‘Cup Tied’😳😳😳
HMS Clarkson had been to The Fuengirola Docks, been stripped,
Now faster and more streamlined.
Also he’d been given a nice coating of creosote whilst maintaining enough ballast to Boss the Northallertonian defence.💪
Steva The Diva was dressed as security with a new pair of shiny new knuckle dusters ready to Boss anybody, the enforcer was here. 
Committee Man Pattinson had set my mind racing giving suggestion that the late Ernest Armstrong was alive and well and sponsoring the Northern League, 
and that ‘Memorial’ was quite the wrong term!! 😳😳😳😳😳😳
It was like a dream scene out of Dallas!
A quick google clarified the position,
It was a red herring and I resumed my 60 beats a minute. 😲
On arrival The Chester Massive were holed up in the Billingham FC Bar, it was a sea of blue and white,
 a Pollock-esque Flag hanging from the wall, Ronnie singing ‘Chester Jester’ at the top of his voice!!🤣
It felt like Moor Park on steroids…
We had 75% of the Ground taken, The DH2 ultras had over run The Colloseum of Dreams. 
Before the Cestrians took to the pitch we watched The HMS warm up behind the scenes…. 
HMS was like Magic Mike💪
Buffed up to within an inch of his Life🤔
ripped to shreds!
6 pack-vascular-bulging😳
there was an imminent danger of serious swoonage and faintage in the ladies end. 🤨
The Medics and security detail had been forewarned that there may be casualties..
The stretcher bearers readied themselves for a cascade of women fainters.. 
One look at the HMS and the Domino effect was surely a mere formality..😉
One of the St John’s Ambulance men
muttered in a shaky Teeside voice,
‘not since ‘64 mate’
He was referring to when The Beatles had passed thru Billingham, 
we had seen similar scenes of carnage back then 😳
‘Good Friday was here and The Cestrians Gladiators were in a determined mood to make an analogy of The Easter period.
A crucifixion of the Northallerton back 4 was about to be manifested upon them🙏
The Papal Wake began his rubrics…
But There was no time for Bible bashing, 
no time for prayer…
Only time for some calming whale music which Steva The Diva had brought in especially🤔
Field Marshall Wake had sensed The Meg would need relaxation rather than that high energy  ‘New Monkey 
Dog ****!!’🤣
 
The Cestrian Gladiators lined up and stood proud, mascots in hand, a lump in my throat as the crowds roared with Adrenalin and pride… 
 
The Whistle blew… 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
 
The Flying Scotsman ran like a beast and won a throw in, but immediately Denied by the Ref😳 what??? 
Scotty’s foot curled and the ball firmly rebounded off the Northallertonian player’s chest and out, what was to question??? 
 
Then instantly Scotty Won the battle to retrieve the ball after the restart 
and Wilhelm Whistle-meister Denied him once again, blowing for a foul against us😳
 
So that’s how it was going to be🤔
 
Chester started very lively, and bossed the early exchanges, the huge crowd responded and vibed off the kinetic energy in the Colloseum of Dreams. 
 
The Meg surfaced from about 30 yards from the Northallerton shore and made a great move on the left to win a corner. 
The Mazzinator smashed it into the box but was repelled. 
 
But then against play, a killer blow as we went 1-0 down to a sloppy defensive gaff, striker left unattended and bosh we were up against it, No chance for Jesus to Save us🤔
 
Chester didn’t stop… 
Tenacious D headed in his Billy Goat style and with all his Northern League might, Crouchy McBan galvanised the defence with leaps of a gazelle. 
 
Then the ball went out and like a pro footballer Mrs Leisha ‘Leviathan’ Borthwick headed a beauty back into play from 20 yards without losing train of thought or speech, 
Not even a twitch of doubt🙌
The stadium sent a Mexican wave around in the ultimate sign of respect. 
 
Now I know where young Jinkin gets all his footballing skills Mr Borthwick🤔
 
A Long ball was played thru to the  brave and lightning quick Flying Scotsman, but the keeper just took him down viciously.
Outside the box, last man, and with a knee to the head!!😳 Try Googling Harald Schumacher Goal Keeper 1982 v Battison (Germany v France) 
 
Now my match reports rarely include swear words, but please Free to guess the next sentence…
 
F@@@@@@ D@@@@ C@@@@@@ B@@@@@@ Keeper!! 😡
 
Ronnie was less kind about the Ref 
and Keeper… due mainly down to The dangerous actions on show and The Ref’s very lenient yellow card 😤
Everyone in that Colloseum knew he should have walked. 
 
After 15 minutes of intensive and professional treatment, 
Yep you read correctly… 15 minutes!!😳
Hayley managed to extricate Scotty from the pitch on a stretcher and off to hospital. 
Scotty had been seriously hurt, 
I was very concerned for him 😣
 
Our best wishes go out to Scotty
For a speedy recovery… 
#ChesterFaithful