Tuesday, December 10
Chester-le-Street, UK
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Chester-le-Hepps

Chester Town v Willington 

 
🚨 MATCH DAY🚨
⚽️ Willington 
🗓 Saturday 5 October
🏆 Ebac Northern League 
Div 2
🏟Moor Park Chester Moor
📍DH2 3RW 
⏰Kick off 3.00
💰Adults £5, Concessions £3
#SupportYourLocalClub
#SupportTheCestrians
 
Making their debuts today for Chester le Street Town were Goalkeeper 
Phil ‘Elvis’ King and defender 
Adam ‘The Twister’ Thirlaway. 
 
The whistle blew and it was Game on as the whole squad appeared around Moor Park, The Mazzinator and HMS Clarkson, Tenacious D amongst many others… great to see such Team bonding and galvanisation. 
 
An autumnal setting was assured, The two Ronnies love the leaves man 🤣
A cold and blustery afternoon, grey skies and a sense of unity bonded The Cestrian Hordes, as we huddled like penguins in the Antarctica..
 
Chester took the lead and in spectacular fashion.
Collinio with a left foot rasper,
‘Bellissimo!!!!’ 
As it crashed against the bar The Hepp was there only 12 yards out, 
In perfect position and hungry for goals.
It was as if The Moscow State Circus had come to town, as he pirouetted 8 feet into the air and smashed it home with a flying scissor kick volley. 
😳😳😳😳😳😳
Think Rooney, think Ronaldo… 
Think The Hepp!!
 1-0.
 Chester Town were dominating, pressing and foraging…
As Collinio jinked into the box, 
goes left, goes right, at one point I thought he was doing the hokie-kokie but then a beautiful lob,
And the keeper between all ends up!
2-0… 
 
The Cestrian defence were like The Byker Wall, impenetrable🙌🙌🙌
 
Elvis was between the sticks, 
Ronnie was singing to our new keeper ‘are you lonesome tonight’ due to the lack of action in our box…
But still, what a clean sheet on his debut… 👏👏👏👏👏👏
 
Halftime ensued, the Clubhouse was vibrant… conversation around the bar turned to Steva The Diva, and Footy Pundit and loyal Pint puller Stainesy came forth with a brave statement, not seen since Donald Trump announced he’d build ‘The Wall’… 
as he clearly annunciated  that
 ‘Steva was The Chester Iniesta’
🧐
 
Stunned silence…  
I just imagined someone in Spain having a similar conversation about Iniesta comparing him to Steva 🤣
 
and then the 2nd half whistle blew, game on! 
The 60th minute ticked by and Willington pulled one back from the penalty spot. 
A bouncing ball off foot and then hand allegedly….
Elvis like a coiled spring leapt to the ball and with a strong hand was unlucky to not force the ball wide enough.. great try! 
 2 – 1 Chester. 
 
OMG it was crazy end to end stuff now!
It was anyone’s game…
 
The 80th minute and Willington broke Cestrian hearts with an equaliser after a sloppy goal…
We were on the Half way line and lost it,  the counterattack punished us and suddenly the two goal chasm was back to 2-2.. 
 
I was transported back to Belmont Comprehensive as a 10 year old, school yard footy, Jumpers for goal posts…

27-0 down and the ever hopeful shout from my team mate of ‘Next goal is the winner!!’ 🤣

Collinio found himself in a pressure situation, one on one, who would blink first!?👀
 but he couldn’t find the finish…
being horribly put off his shot by a shout of ‘just one cornetto!!’ From one The Willington fans…
rascals one and all😤
Elvis then faced  The Willington Striker one on one, like Clint Eastwood versus Marshall Stockburn in ‘Pale Rider’ circa 1985…
it looked certain that we would be going down 3-2 when Elvis swivelled his hips and dived full length making himself as big as a house to deflect the bullet shot... Brilliant save! 
 
Willington battered us and we battered them…
Adam ‘The Twister’ Thirlaway was imperious at the left position, 
You wouldn’t have even realised he was a Debutant, magnificent in control of the ball, strong, yet patient and disciplined… 
he was ‘a storm a comin’ 🤨
 
The Hepp then moved up the gears, took the game by the scruff of the neck, it was his time, Hepp o’clock showed on my 1980’s digital watch.
As he received the ball, he ploughed a trough down the centre of Moor Park 
(Ron was ganning off it!😡)
 
As he entered the box, the keeper came at him ‘all starfish an that’ 
Appearing like the Super Moon before The Hepps… 
No panic, heart rate a steady 90..
Eyes up, as he sublimely dinked the ball over the keeper! 
Mamma Mia… It was Hepps Waterloo, as he devastated The Napoleonic Willington Town… he gave them both barrels… the scenes were unparalleled.
 
3  – 2 Chester. 
 
I was fortunate enough to be close to the articulate ramblings of HMS Clarkson who nailed it in one for me…
(A future CJ in the making I fear 🧐)
 
‘Yeah that was a sexual finish by Hepps’ 💋🤣
 
Immediately Joe Cocker sounded over the tannoy… as The 158,000 attendance crowd sang along harmonically and passionately…
 
‘Love lift us up where we belong
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high
Love lift us up where we belong…’
 
Fergie Time and 87minutes of extra time 😳 seemed fair… just to prolong the agony, and delay the ecstasy of victory.. Howay man, bloody blow the whistle Ref!!! 
Pensive brows surrounded Moor Park on both sides, all seriously bereft of Botox. 
 
The final whistle blew and a metamorphic transformation occurred in me as I became Norweigan’s most infamous commentator…
 Bjørge Lillelien-
 
Lord NelsonLord BeaverbrookSir Winston ChurchillSir Anthony EdenClement AttleeHenry CooperLady Diana, Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me? Maggie Thatcher … your Willington boys took a hell of a beating! Your Willington boys took a hell of a beating!’ 👊
 
The Mighty Hepp, Cestrian legend, top scorer with 7 goals this season was modest as always after the game.
His understated sense of achievement 
Simply endears him to the Cestrian fans even more… 
 
‘Long live The Hepp!!’
 
Reports of much love breaking out in The Rave Cave were not over exaggerated.. total galvanisation had encompassed the Cestrian HQ. 
 
In the final melee that ensued after Hepps winner, Poor Stainesy pulled a shoulder muscle through his over exuberant celebrations… 🤣
Pool career over, Pint pulling in serious doubt and more worryingly how would his love life suffer??😳
 
C’est la vie…and Allez la bleus!! 
 
CJ 

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