Saturday, March 6
Chester-le-Street, UK


Chester le Rue

Chester Town v 
West Allotment Celtic
Firstly, I must thank the very kind Phillipoussis Cummingston for my lovely surprise gift!
Secondly, let’s get on with it. 
The Weather was dark and foreboding, 
The Undertaker had chosen his favourite dark weather for the afternoon 🤨
It was absolutely Balticly bleak…
‘Oh lad it’s Grim up north’ I could hear Ronnie chortling. 
The north eastern sky was very much ‘War of the Worlds’..  I was hoping it was not a portent of doom😳
“No-one would have believed, in the early years of the twenty-first century, that Cestrian Football affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No-one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few Cestrians even considered the possibility of life in Tow Law. And yet, across the gulf of England minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Town with envious eyes, and slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us…”
(Cue Powerfully Anthemic stabbing String section!)
The Celtics were Formed in 1928 in West Allotment, a village in North Tyneside, the club played in junior leagues for their first 55 years.They then joined the Northern Alliance in 1983.
And very much like this day in 1928 precisely 91 years ago Eartha Kitt was born…
coincidentally, as I wrote the pre-amble to today’s report I was rhyming my bodily activities from ‘the traps’ with her famous name🤣
The game started brightly with Cestrian Dominance, The Undertaker pushing up the left and interlinking well with Captain Mazzinator.
The Candyman was lively and working the channels well, bouncing off the strikers and creating chances well.
Then as if to establish dominance,
we saw The Mazzinator slide in and decimate a Celtonian as he retrieved the ball… he whispered under his breath 
In his Vin Diesel voice…
‘Did not know who he was f***ing with’
(Circa Pitch Black 2000)
 As he left his roadkill to recover from a severe Mazzination, we marched on looking for an opening.
The Flying Scotsman was hyperactivity personified, covering every blade of grass, he had the speed of a Velociraptor and the cunning to match. 
So dangerous was the half man 
half whippet that the opposition took it upon themselves to take him down.
A wayward elbow struck him full on the bracket!!😳 oucccchhhhh!!!!!
Blood, pain and watery eyes are a heady mix for a Striker to deal with, but deal with it he did… 
The Brave Cestrian continued like the gladiator he is. 
The boy band good looks only improved by the newly acquired Snout scar tissue.
Olaf was making moves and threatening the defenders, and was only a matter of time before he was taken down like a Cage Fighter..
25 yards out, 
Free kick Ref!! 
The mighty Hepp, sturdy build, legs of oak, steely glaze in his eyes and a body language that screamed ‘wait til you get a whole load of me’ 
The Hepp hit it hard 
The thud made me blink 
What a powershot, 👀
🤨No, Scratch that! 
It was like an Exocet missile at MkII 
Screeching into the Bottom right hand corner of the goal…
Keeper no chance. 
The Pigeons in Trafalgar Square ruffled their feathers, 
The Coronal flames of The Sun regressed as the huge blast wave hit home…. 
Chester Town’s Greggs ruined a tray of Steak Bakes due to the distracting melee caused by The Hepplewhite’s explosive free Kick!!! 
(I think you get it🤔)
The Cestrians Started a euphoric celebration amongst the hordes..
The crowd burst into song.
 (Tune-Mrs Robinson)
 Here’s to you Michael Hepplewhite , Chester loves you more than you will know, woaaaahhhh. Here’s to you Michael Hepplewhite , Chester loves you more than you will know, heyyyyyy
1-0 Fantastic 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Great defensive cover by Crouchy McBan and Destroyer Dicka had the back line looking as confident as Mike Ashley at a sell yer own GrandMother car boot sale😳
Great work from The Flying Scotsman down the right wing allowed a penetrating move into the box as 
Brave as a Lyon played a great ball
Into the box, 
it pinged around like a pinball 
just never falling for us. 🙄
Olaf made a sortie into the Opposition’s last 3rd but was up ended for the 23rd time🙄 👊
a free kick sat invitingly for Chester, 
Could they double their lead🤔?? 
The mighty Hepp looked primed for another rocket shot, as he rubbed his 40 inch quads Captain Maz took the ball and the responsibility himself…
As he lined it up, the keeper looked pensive as the trigger was pulled..
Bosh!!! Over the wall and oooohhhhh
just over the bar, great knock, 
Just Too strong, perhaps a little too much porridge this morning for The Scotsman🤔
The Bomber was statuesque and self assured as he surveyed the midfield blocking anything that dared to breach our rear guard. 
The Candyman terrorised the midfielders with his twisting and turning, I thought it was Last Summer again🤔
Turning the defender inside out he passed incisively to Olaf… 
Olaf’s great movement won us a corner on the left side which created a chance for The Mazzinator to arc his free kick into the box….
Wham!!! An absolute perfection of a cross came in, with Crouchy McBan shouting I’m your man!! 🤔
but alas no finish..
Cestrian domination continued, 
as The Mazzinator smashed a Corner into the danger area, 
Dicka The Destroyer had fortunately been attending night classes at 
The private finishing school of 
Crouchy McBan as he smashed it in from 2inches! 😳
2-0 happy days🤔
Hugs and kisses all round and that was just Maximus Phil and Me💋
The Chester Massive rattled the ears of the 100,000 in attendance, it was like the Roman colosseum as I looked to the Pantheon on the distant hills of East Herrington.
I felt part of a Greek Odyssey, 
Odysseus Dickerus was the hero of the moment 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
A much preferred story to the Greek Tragedies we have sometimes experienced in our footballing lives..😭
How could this game be anything else than heroic, we were 2-0 up and riding on the crest of a wave!!🤔
Half time ensued and The Chester Massive moved like a stampede of buffalo in the Serengeti. 
Maximus and I managed to beat Ronnie to the Bar which is a first, 
We felt Usain-esque🤨
The Golden girls, dedicated and wonderfully friendly, although one of their number was strangely unaware of my Jester hat until I appeared once again at the pie hatch for some much needed sustenance.(I sensed a bottle of Croft Original would probably be under the Cutlery draw🤣)
Pies and beer, they know the way to a man’s heart!! 
The 2nd half started with what can only be described as Armageddonian rain forest weather, the light barely visible and that very annoyingly wet rain was in the air.. no not the fine rain that soaks ya right through but the rain that feels like yer lying in the deep end of Chester Baths 🤨
The Cestrians were playing into the wind, 
And up the slight gradient,
But it was The Celtonians who had an uphill battle on their hands. 
Mr Hollywood came on for The Flying Scotsman who had a broken nose. 
The Celtonians had obviously been given the hair dryer treatment at half time, 
cos they came out looking like their lives depended on 3 points at Moor Park. 
It was a battle royale!! 
The rain started to lash down, making conditions slippery for all. 
The linesman was not our friend today, 
He had his Marty Feldman’s on for sure! 
Olaf and Mr Hollywood were working the defence well, making runs and creating havoc but alas nothing fell for us. 
Coomberaggio made several important saves during the onslaught, and we hoped to weather the storm, literally😳but eventually the Celtonians crept into our box unmarked to unsettle us with a thumper into the bottom corner.
2-1 and the ‘Chester Sweats’ started in Ernest. 
The Cestrians never gave up, we were dogged and determined to regain the 2 goal advantage. 
Olaf made a dash for the left wing and had the beating of the Celtonian as he was bundled to the floor like a rodeo hog, legs all wrapped up in ropes and hog tied, the defender made a right pigs ear of that  Ref!! 
The Celtonian defender may have fouled young Olaf but we found him to be a gentleman of good standing and of very good manners, he was always happy to keep us right if we stepped out of line with our comments, even referring to one of The Cestrian Massive as ‘Pal’ 🤨
He really should have been a Ref with such Knowledge of what was a foul and what wasn’t, with a lovely dulcet tone
he was wasted as a right back,
 in my humble opinion…
A Corner into our box and the ball was handled blatantly into the net for a 2nd yellow and The Celtonians were down to 10! 
Crouchy McBan came off for Dirk Hepp
we hoped it wouldn’t be schlong before the final whistle would be blown, it was looking ominous even against 10 men.
The Mazzinator was feeling it too, 
someone needed to take control….
as always he commanded with intensity and used all his 57 years of footballing experience… 
always guiding the team through choppy waters like a big rustic Scottish Rudder!
But just then Bosh!! He tackled the Celtonian as the lad was still tumbling to Earth like a rag doll, the Ref had time for a word in the ‘shell-like’ whilst writing 
Mr Craigus Maximus Mazzinator-Marron on the yellow papyrus, to give him his Full Sunday name🤨
All we needed was that final bit of quality in the box, and we would surely make it out of here with 3 points. 
More pressure and more stress piled upon The Cestrians, the Celtonians certainly had heart and fight, 
and most likely 2-2 on the Paddy Power coupon by the look of it!
Then the killer blow, as another unmarked Celtonian striker appeared with the ball at his feet to ram it home and bring us back to parity…. 
2-2 and despair for the rain sodden down trodden Chester Massive…
The whistle blew as we resigned ourselves to 1 point, after a very promising start we had become as ineffective as Commander Burlison’s flu jab🤔
We will be back again, bigger, better and stronger! 
Next The Old Bill away, nice easy game to look forward to…🤨
My ever reliable roving reporter,
Mr Keith ‘Kumquat’ Barrington-Smythe Is hopefully available for his Kamara-Esque coverage… 


  1. Dad Mcban says:

    Pulitzer price on it’s way, even more so for the use of photography. Class as always👍

    Dad McBan

  2. Chester Jester says:

    Many thx Dad McBan…
    pleased you enjoyed it,
    what am I gonna do in the summer DM😳

  3. Craig Pattison says:

    Marvellous as always. The Chester “Sid Waddell”. Darts, Youngman, Darts!

    • Michael Sharp says:

      Wow Committee Man Pattison!
      To be compared with The mighty Waddell
      Is truly an honour my friend….
      ‘I’ll be singing in the valleys’ later
      🤣 CJ

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