Thursday, March 21

News

‘Chester-le-Tester’

Chester Town v South Shields

The Durham Challenge Cup
18.12.2018 @ 7.30pm
The Cestrians hosted The Mariners tonight, and what a crowd we had in.
Lord Burlison had individually counted the entrants and surmised we were in the ball park of  199,854… 😳

It was like The Maracana Stadium in Brazil in the 1950 World Cup.

At five pound a pop it must have been tempting for Sir JB to jet off on his private Cessna to his luxury yacht In The Bahamas,
suitcase of cash in hand
for a well deserved rest🤔
After a very icy weekend, hopelessly disrupted, and sadly leaving us bereft of any football, We had been finally blessed by the meteorologically challenging cumulus nimbus of Chester, as torrential precipitation fell from the skies…. cats and dogs!
😳
And then a beautifully sang chorus. in honour of Lord Burlison, was orchestrated by the Chester Faithful….
(To The Tune of 1st Noel)
‘Joe-l, Joe-l, Joe-l, Joe-l,
Born is the King of Chester-le-Fell’
The premiership opposition would be a deserving challenge for Chester in this Cup game, we knew we were in for a tester with The Chester Jester.
The Huge news of the day in the World of football had dominated all the papers and social media for hours….
It was a sad fact, but after 2 years and one day, It was inevitable that Ronnie would have to buy a round eventually….
The whistle blew and we were off!
Shields were on the attack instantly,
which drew a Good defensive block by The ever present ‘Undertaker’ Graver after a powerful shot by a Shieldster,
They were working hard to penetrate our back line…
Crouchy McBan cleared a defensive ball, another dangerous attack snuffed out,
Bang, Row Z!!
Early on it was quite apparent that the last decent chanter to leave South Shields was Joe McElderry….
this was painfully obvious as the opposition supporters barked their witty songs out like a ward of patients from The Consumption clinic.
The Mazzinator, like The Roger Milla of Chester 🤣
Nobody knows his age man😳
He was commanding the midfield area like a field Marshall….
The Mighty Hepp and ‘All Hail The King’ linked well to set up a left wing attack,
The flame haired Cestrian has legs all day and an engine Mercedes Benz would be proud of..
Then the geezer Grant chested a bullet ball as he was ducking and diving and dodging the dibble to set up an attack which promised much, but failed to compensate us for some industrious play in midfield.
Crouchy McBan and The Destroyer Dicka we’re getting stuck in, the turf having been prepped for a slide fest,
not seen since the Winter Olympics and the 2 man bobsleigh!
Mush Mush!!! Like a pair of huskies those lads…
‘All Hail the King’ made some great runs down the left, keeping The Shieldsters on their toes….
The ‘undertaker’ Graver  made a  sliding last ditch tackle 20 yards out as the striker was on for a certain goal,
But with a surgeon like touch was rewarded with no foul, and a welcome barrage of Shields disgruntlement…
The Left side of the pitch was proving rich pickings for Shields as they were proving dangerous…
Connor ‘Brave as a Lion’ covered well and cleared out a Dangerous corner,
Followed by The Mazzinator header which made light work of the arcing ball.
Crouchy McBan carved a beauty over to The Meg through on goal… 20 yards out,
This was our chance!!
The ball teased The Meg as it rolled on temptingly…..
We waited for impact as the thud of boot on leather simultaneously lifted us off our seats, our eyeballs beaming hopefully  goal ward….
Oh no!! just over the bar after a bobble took away the chance of a perfect contact… The Meg was at his most dangerous in the deep end. 🤔
The Mazzinator crunched the ball against a Shieldian as it flattened for a second on impact and was heard to scream as it became a crepe Mazette.. nowt getting through that lad, bloody Granite!
It was tense stuff,
The Panther Was looking confident, safe hands and feet every time.. Not even a chance of the young Cestrian being put off by the huge swathes of noisy Mariners behind him, a true pro 🙌
‘All Hail The King’ ran to the sound of Lord Burlison’s dulcet tones
 ‘open the flood gates young Hailes!!’
Hendo shot and just over from 20yards
Dicka The Destroyer broke up another of the Shields attacks….
but a Free kick given against us….
Whoosh And belted over!
Half an hour and a wayward Shieldster’s cross dropped over the scrambling Panther and hit the stanchion!!😳😳😳
Omg Ronnie was to carry away,
I sensed  it was a cruel ruse just to get an early pint in ..🤨
Seeing as there were around 200,000 supporters shoe horned into Moor Park he was twitching for an early dismount and a bit of froth🤔
The Mazzinator called the shots,
Barked the orders as the gladiators
Responded in kind….
We were probing on a muddy turf which was gonna cause a mistake or two at some point😫
Ronnie was like a dog at broth as he pulled at my arm like Lassie trying to save his owner… I gave in, a pint was needed to take the edge off!!
Crouchy McBan dribbled out of defence,
and Did well to round 2 players
and see the ball out, pretty much out the local postcode to be fair 🤣
It was a battle through to the end of the first half 0-0… honours even!
Half time ensued, the tsunami wave of punters descended upon the lavish Moor Park clubhouse.
The Jester sat nursing a ‘bottle of Dog’ with Maximus Kelly savaging the best Cornish pasty this side of the serengetti.
The whistle blew and immediately
The Mazzinator was taken down in the centre circle with a knee to the kidneys! 😳 ouch!!
but play continued with 11v10….
as Shields took a Shot on goal
A viciously deflected bouncing, squirming, arcing  ball lashed its way towards goal…
the Panther saved remarkably well onto the post…
but Shields reacted quickest and slotted
1-0 😱
The Destroyer Dicka and the mighty Hepp made good connecting movements in the latter 3rd of the pitch, we looked dangerous.
‘All Haile the King’ as hard as stones made a great run on left after a Hepp hold up and pass.
We never looked outclassed or out of it,
2 Corners ensued….
chances which we normally take,
 but shields defended well.
The Destroyer  Dicka ran into the box on the 2nd corner and was held down by 2 men
and was bizarrely penalised!!!????
50/50 at best that man 🤔
The game had taken an insidious turn for the worse, more akin to The WWF.
Shields were pressing hard, looking to put The Chester Barbarians to the sword.
But we would not succumb,
We The Chesteronians of The North are resolute and would not lay down!
 Crouchy McBan made a great header from the keepers kick, he dominated the air…. it wasn’t difficult to see why with his
Robert Wadlow height!
At 8’11’’ he was a full 3 feet taller than any other human being on the pitch….
Released from his contract with Manchester United they now call him The Spacial One….. 🤔
And then The Destroyer Dicka and The Mazzinator took furious cannonballs to the legs like a venomous Tyson Fury punch to the loins🥴 oooofff!!!
They did not flicker..
More Shields pressure….
But ‘All Hail’ as great Hailes dribbled like a pro, passing to The right wing and
Engaging The mighty Meg who rose from the waters to clip a beautiful ball in from The Deep….
The Hepp, fresh from Baywatch II stole the ball from the defender as the keeper hesitated and watched in despair as The Hepp buried the ball…  euphoria and 1-1.
The Chesteronians might have been out numbered on the sidelines but we roared like lions enough to block out The Joe McElderry tribute band..😉
Ironically it was a ‘climb’ as The Premier league outfit weren’t ever gonna be easy opponents.
Then Grant of The Mitchell brothers, was taken out, ‘oy you slaaaaaagg’ as Phil his brother shouted from the sidelines🤔
and a deserved yellow card was produced to the opposition..
Jack ‘Olaf The Great’ Oliver to give him his Sunday name.. was brought on for Maz.
Olaf The Hero of the hour last Tuesday,
but could he muster up the skills and wizardry to defeat The Shieldrans??
The Mazzinator was rested, he had been thoroughly battered like an attendee at Guantanamo Bay😳
The sturdy Geezer Grant,
 got stuck in  ‘Go on Tweekel…. ‘
by now he was looking more like a young Lady from The Ramside Spa who’d requested the full Cestrian mud and clarts treatment package, rather than a Footballer 🤣
but immediately he received a vociferous reaction from the shields man who decided to get all romantic with a full on Maori greeting including a nose flick and a head butt 🤨
The Radgie Shieldsman should have left for an early bubble bath 🙄
But nowt???
Had the ref forgotten his cards once again….🤔
‘The Big decision’, Senor Cumminio had eluded to, just passed us by with a collective look of incredulity on our faces,
leaving us all with a sour taste in our mouths…
Maximus Kelly let rip and roared with encouragement, his rubric mostly consisted of monosyllabically colourful words🤔
Then The Hepp Got a good kicking close to his Crown Jewels, I hope he had his orange inflatable as defence🤔
But only won a free kick for putting his Testicles on the line.. 😳
Chester got into defensive mode, as the pressure mounted….
But Commander Wakey, the master tactician had set us up in a juxtaposition
with a strong attacking formation,
This duality was now effective in pushing for the win..
Olaf The Great won a corner on the left wing with great skill and determination, but no reward was forthcoming  from the resulting delivery🤨
The Destroyer Dicka made a great tackle outside the box, But the Ball cruelly bobbled into the box.
A Shot point blank at the Panther who saved resolutely….
The rebound going straight to a Shields boot and 2-1 no chance for The Panther there😔
Just damn unlucky, but if it had finished a draw could my old ticker take another penalty shoot out😳
The Flying Scotsman came on for Hendo..
With Olaf and Scotty up front We looked quick, Lithe and light on our feet like a pair of young gazelles..
Big DJ Steva came on and made a strong impact in the midfield… showing some deft touches on the ball.
We absorbed the pressure in the last few minutes, but the whistle blew and we left Moor Park with a handful of memories and a pocket full of broken dreams..
#TheChesterFaithful
CJ. 🤣

Leave a Reply