Wednesday, March 20

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Chester-le-Thriller

Chester Town v Easington Colliery

 
9.03.2019
Cestrian Team Names-
(For those who are hard of thinking🤣)
I mean they are all pretty obvious🤔
 
Jack The Cat Wilson
Max Jesus Coomberaggio Coombes 
Rhys The Brows Turnbull
Alexander ‘Crouchy McBan’ Walker
Connor Brave as a Lion Lyons 
Kevin ‘The Destroyer or Tenacious D’ Dixon 
Michael The Undertaker Graver
Chris The Diva Stephenson
Dan Dirk Hepplewhite 
Callum GBH Greaves 
Jai Jamiroquai Grant 
 
Capt. Craig Mazzinator Marron 
Joe Grantinio Grant 
Josh Elvis King 
Kieran The Meg Megran 
Dan The Candyman Candlish
Owen The Bomber Lancaster
 
Jack Olaf the great Oliver 
Scott Flying Scotsman Robson 
Andrew HMS Clarkson 
Michael The Hepp Hepplewhite 
Harry Mr Hollywood Wood 
 
Grim was not the word.. 
wet was not even close…. 
Baltic was just laughable 🤔
 
The expectant Moor Park Massive had roused themselves from their cosy couches to see a vibrant Cestrian Army take to the pitch in weather normally associated with The Outer Hebrides in January!! 
Still riding high on the crest of a wave after the  Euphoric 6-0 victory last Saturday, could we build on that and finish off the season top 3🤔
 
Reporter of the Day Mr Christossopolous Wildenegger advised me of the Bovine Fluid products on offer at the Cestrian Bistro as ‘top quality’🤔 and gave it a heady rating of 10/10
A huge improvement on the 1/10 we had seen earlier in the season at Esh Winning. 😣
 
All warming refreshments would be welcome and more importantly needed today, as the temperature was in the negative due to a cruel Siberian bitter wind chill. There was concern that bare flesh and open air metal would bond within seconds… 😳 we had to keep Ronnie away from licking lampposts again🙄 
 
The ground was sodden, the muddy muther was about to begin, a sliding tacklers Heaven.. The Mazzinator was salivating😳
‘A hundred pund on the Jock getting a yellow!’ I heard an excited Cestrian punter shout 👊
 
The Ref put whistle to mouth and we were off on another rollercoaster ride of North Eastern Football… we hoped it would not be ‘The Oblivion’ but more ‘The Big One’…
 
In difficult conditions we got stuck in, and with a determined, rugged galvanisation we showed The Easingtonians what we were about. 
 
Own goal!!! And 1-0 to Chester, for the second week in succession the footballing gods had blessed us with luck, 
as Elvis ran the full half of the pitch passed the dug out with a snarling lip he cried…
‘thank you very much’😉
He was more twisted fire starter today🤔
 
After a lovely ball thru to HMS Clarkson, he spun on the edge of the area ‘like an 80s Pop Diva’ and caressed the ball into the bottom corner. 
The Keeper had no chance
as HMS recorded another hit and 2-0!! 
Euphoria for the masses 🙌🙌🙌
 
A well won free kick on the left wing was then brilliantly arced in by The Mazzinator, the cross into the box looked primed for Elvis to levitate and place his header into the top corner of The Easingtonian Goal…
A great connection, 
But alas the Net did not bulge as it was heard to hum to itself ‘I’ll be lonesome tonight’ as the ball careered over the bar! 
Oooofff so close man😳
 
Then we backed off in horrendous conditions as The Easingtonians pushed forward scoring quickly in succession, once and then twice😳
2-2… 
it had all gone a bit George, as the Perfect Storm begin to precipitate.
 
The Ref blew for half time to allow us to regroup, momentum had swung.👊
A momentum swing so grandiose it had not been seen since Old Orange-face McDonald took the reins of the Free World!  
 
Half time ensued…
 
Attendance was confirmed at 106,000 
Which was slightly down on the season’s average, but decent for a wet wintry Saturday with a hint of muddy Bollox around the pitch.
 
The Mazzinator picked up a yellow, and some Cestrian blerk made a killing at the bookies!!😌
 
The 2nd half commenced…
 
The masses were looking for even more goals, perhaps a onesie made of Loft insulation, a piping hot water bottle and a covetous 3 points in the bag 🤔
 
The Flying Scotsman took to the tracks with a fire in his belly, even with a bog-fest of a pitch he was storming forward and threaded a beautiful ball to HMS. 
 
Only the greats can play in terrible conditions, they rise above it, transcendence is mandatory, as HMS took the left back to ‘rinseville’ California and smashed it into the top corner, Bosh! and 3-2!! 
Boooyashakka!! 
 
My fillings were rattling as Moor Park erupted into an incomparable frenzy,
 a smorgasbord of high octane fuelled emotion!! 
Maximus Kelly had over amorously started the Mexican wave and dragged some unsuspecting supporters into the frenzy, including Phillipoussis, Wildenegger, Jacques Taylor O’Bramovich(the Young Cestrian, French, Irish, Russian redheaded Oligarch) and Christophessen Taylor O’Bramovich Brother to the Twin’s evil empire built upon the extortionate trade in Turkey Twizzlers during the disastrous Siberian Starvation Winter of ‘97🤔
 
The 10 richest men of all time-
 
#The O’BRAMOVICH Twins (1989-present day) Coined to the hilt!! 
■   Mansa Musa (1280-1337, king of the Mali empire) wealth incomprehensible
■   Augustus Caesar (63 BC-14 AD, Roman emperor) $4.6tn (£3.5tn)
■   Zhao Xu (1048-1085, emperor Shenzong of Song in China) wealth incalculable
■   Akbar I (1542-1605, emperor of India’s Mughal dynasty) wealth incalculable
■   Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919, Scottish-American industrialist) $372bn 
■   John D Rockefeller (1839-1937) American business magnate) $341bn
■   Nikolai Alexandrovich Romanov (1868-1918, Tsar of Russia) $300bn
■   Mir Osman Ali Khan ( 1886-1967, Indian royal) $230bn
■   William The Conqueror (1028-1087)  $229.5bn
 
The Twins were scouting for business in the Cestrian districts after news spread like wild fire of the Curry pasties being served at Bistro da Burlisonio’s 💋
 
Shares had soared all day… The stock market rallied and The British Economy was thriving, Bollox to Brexit! 
 
A bid of £84million had been proffered for The Club, but JB was not wavering, the deal was finely balanced…
Sir Burlison stubbornly holding out for 
The Keys to the Town and a Bronze statue in honour of his beautiful wife Kay🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
 
But before a deal could be brokered, Just when you thought it was 3 points in the bag, the cruel footballing gods allowed an Easingtonian equaliser and heartbreak for The Cestrians… 
hopes dashed upon the rocks, it had all gone a bit Neil Diamond, ‘ain’t no big surprise’. 😉
 
It finished 3-3 and another 6 goal thriller had been witnessed by The Hordes..
I mean 5 pund for 6 goals, show me a premiership game with that kind of ‘Sterling to Notch ratio😳’.. 
 
Look at what Chester Town has to offer🤨 best pies in town,
Best beer in town, 
Best footy in town,
Best Banter(🤔obviously)
Best value bar none😉
 
Sky Sports’ Jeff Stelling interviewed HMS Clarkson after the game. 
Asking him about his brace and his contribution to Chester Town… 
HMS comedically cajoled ‘yeah another 2 goals proving there’s Life in the fat lad still’🤣
Modest to the end, The Young HMS had proven that serious injury can be overcome, and more than that, The Phoenix can rise from the ashes and be the hero of the day after months of dark days for the Legend. 
 
What a role model to our youth teams🤔
The Chester Faithful salutes you and the whole team🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
 
#29sleepstogo🙏
CJ.

2 Comments

  1. Michael Sharp says:

    Many thanks Grahame…
    Thank the lord for FB and Twitter!
    and my very helpful group of roving
    Cestrian reporters😉
    Can’t wait for Good Friday Man!!🙌

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