Sunday, January 20

News

Chester-le-Winning

Esh Winning  v Chester Town 

 
5.1.19 
 
Fat and full of turkey still,
I spent the time it took me to walk from the car park to the ground counting all the resolutions I had reneged on…🙄
 
An overcast, strangely Warmer than usual Esh Winning welcomed us for the first game of the New Year… 
 
As Phil finally relaxed, after having placed numerous footy bets, we morphed into the cosy seats inside the Eshtonian Bar..
 
A Nice bottle of brown and some old boy banter pre-empted the game..
 
As usual Lord Burlison was centre stage and on form…
The ladies letting him wax lyrically, 
It was a joy to behold,
As Joe regaled us with the story of 
Ronnie being directed the wrong way on the roads to Esh..
With only the intervention of the ‘Plods’ saving his embarrassment….  🤣
 
A slightly changed team was present on the pitch… ‘Coombe by yah ma Lord’ Was in goal, and  ‘Danny ‘Dirk’ Hepp’ was back in, Dicka was banned. 
 
Commander Wakey was looking for a reaction after last week’s disappointing home game, what would he get🤔???
 
The whistle blew….  
 
The undertaker covered well and set the tone for the day as he was simply magnificent in the defensive left hand side today. 
 
Dirk Hepp 🤨 made a lovely chested down shimmy with consummate ease, setting up an attack down the right side linking nicely with Grantinio and The Meg.
 
Olaf The Great and The Scotsman were hunting in packs, they must have covered a marathon between them today!😳
 
The Flying Scotsman was industrious on the left wing but was felled, a complement to his great touch and movement. 
 
Grantinio stepped in and had a few choice Brazillian words with the ref,
I didn’t understand one of them but his spleen had been vented at least 🤨
 
Both keepers didn’t have much to do for the first 20 minutes as the ball bobbled around the midfield areas. 
 
Dirk Hepp headed well from
Defence, he had taken on the guise of Dicka the Destroyer(banned today) as he smashed headers back into midfield and right wing positions.
 
The one trick pony Eshtonian took plenty banter from The Chester Massive as he threw the ball 45yards down the line and stole an extra 10 yards!! 
 
Did he think he was playing the Danish based ‘Hand Ball’🤔??? 
 
He was deluded if he thought ‘Coombe by yah’ would be beaten by such an object of humour😳
 
The Mazzinator won a midfield free kick but nowt🙄?? 
But he then regained the advantage by taking the ball and the man, 
But no finish was forthcoming from The Cestrians…
 
We looked dangerous and skilful, 
A goal had to come soon…
The Eshtonians had a mix of very tall defenders, some skilful chaps but with some quite feral 🐶characters amongst them.😳
 
Olaf The Great then headed up(Phil’s description not mine 😂) and The Meg immediately rose from the depths of the 18 yard line before half volleying like a Galactico, no red mist, no balloon shot, just the most sublime technique, dog and Lamp post is crude 🥴 
But you get me…..
the Exocet blurred from the penalty spot to the back of the net and 1-0…
 
Euphoria erupted like Krakatoa! 
Committee Man Craig was dancing, 
He had a rare smile on his face, 
He was in heaven! 
 
Esh Winning were just annoyed after that…. and who can blame them🤔
I mean they were losing and yet their own name defied that logic 🤨
 
Then Esh immediately Chopped Grantinio in two and we got nowt 🤔
It bemused all Cestrians… 
‘Howay man we paid River Plate £42,000,000 For Granty, Gerroff!!’
 
The Chesteronians retorted in the medium of chant…. 
(To the tune of ‘Can’t take my eyes off you’- Andy Williams)
 
‘Gran-tin-ho Baby! 
Ya know you have the right, 
To score a Screa-mer 
Which we would all delight,
I’m just a drea-mer 
Ev’ry one sing-along!’
 
Graver The undertaker delivered well, 
He’s had plenty of experience, 
so much so I should really have renamed him ‘The Postman’.
 
Esh smashed a shot high into the Stanchions, but Our Italian Keeper Maximiliano Coomberaggio tipped over the bar with aplomb from close range,
He was Looking imperious😉
But was seriously in need of a shorter name🥴
 
Captain Mazzinator made some great plays from the centre of the park, 
Very Zidane-esque.
 
Olaf The Great was getting pulled all over the place, again Esh were afraid of our lightning attackers…
 
The Flying Scotsman then crossed as Olaf the Great just missed contact, but 
then Olaf gained an opportunity to score but smashed a monster just over the bar..
Ooooouuuffffff!! 
 
We were getting closer to a second 
Much needed goal.
Would our missed opportunities be our undoing 🤔
 
Scotty then picked up a well laid off ball
and cut inside like a ninja move, 
and wallop  just over the right stanchion 
Ooohhhh!!! Man!!! 
Mother of God!!(in my best Italian) 
 
The Mazzinator made a great tackle and was indiscriminately penalised🤔
The Undertaker took control and dispossessed The Eshtonian..
He has the advantage every time as he always wears black head to toe😳
Like a shadow he moves stealthily and pounces like a black mamba..
 
The ref booked The Eshtonian for dissent which was comical considering not one card had been shown for the 47 previous physical fouls on The Cestrians 🤔….
 
Lady Crouchy McBan who was present at West Terrace Coliseum was heard to declare whilst speaking to an Eshtonian Gentleman also viewing the match
(in What could only be Dickensian…)
 
‘Oh my Lord, I do declare the Young Eshtonian player exulted in a loud tirade of filthy rubrics!!’ 😤 ‘I Demand recompense for The Cestrian Bretheren’
 
I digress, The Mazzinator then tackled and covered the danger well, 
Snuffing out any possible forward momentum. 
 
Then the Mazzinator made a slide rule pass to ‘All Hail The King’ on the wing, 
A lovely cross onto The Flying Scotsman’s heed which was just deflected away to Grantinio who smashed a meaty volley just off target!!
😤 chances chances chances but alas no more goals.. 
 
Another Yellow card for Esh after Grantinio was fouled from
Behind and then pushed to the ground,
after an obvious foul the Eshtonian proceeded to GBH the Grantinio with a kick to the ribs! 😳 
 
‘All Hail’ made another cross and won a corner well. 
Crouchy McBan bravely went up for the header against The Eshtonian keeper who wiped him out basically… landing awkwardly and winding himself in the process. 
 
Dr ‘Copper haired’ Hayley came racing on to assess the damage… (fortunately no need for the last rights) as Crouchy McBan slowly regained his composure and his elongated stance, a little like ‘Bambi’ at birth, a tad unstable but excited to take on The World…. 
 
Then a moment of sheer class as the big signing of the year almost paid off his first pay packet as Grantinio shot from 30 yards on to the post ooohhh!!! 
So unlucky as the keeper was beaten all ends up 🙄
 
The dangerous Grantinio was beaten to the ground like it was a UFC battle and a 
3rd yellow card was produced..
 
It was like The Eshtonians loved yellow and green together (their home strip)
and were constantly in need of those comforting compounded primary colours.. 👍
 
The Mazzinator and Esh eventually clashed heavily together and both were in bits after what looked like a head on crash!! No seat belts, no impact bars or airbags… just carnage. 
 
Dr ‘miracle worker’ Hayley came on for the 2nd time. 
It was time to fix the Mazzinator, 
A nasty dead leg was the prognosis as she rebuilt him…. 
And what a fine job she did.
 
The one touch clinic opened up as 
The Meg resurfaced and passed to Olaf 
who passed to Hailes sliding in like Gazza in ‘96 against the Germans as he slid to poke the Mach 2 ball into the net…
Just a whisker Away from 2-0!!
 
Half time and the bar beckoned…
Wildy gave the Bovril 1 out of 10,
The one point was gained only due to the correct colour and water was present🤔
 
We returned to shouts of its started again.. the 2nd half ensued. 
 
 The Mazzinator was rested and
 ‘The King’ was brought on…
 
The Flying Scotsman May have been running up a steep gradient of a pitch in the 2nd half but you wouldn’t have known it🤔 both he and Olaf were rejuvenated after the half time Oranges.
If the man from Del Monte had been there ya know what he’d have been saying 😌
 
Canny Man Craig’s commentary was a master class of witticisms,
but a ‘bit of blue for the Dad’s’ is difficult to include in my report, it’s not as though I can bleep words now can I🤨
 
DJ Steva made a great defensive tackle,
and again The undertaker saved us at the back like the colossus he was today…
 
A free kick ensued on the right wing,
The Meg took control and sneakily sent the ball straight to Hailes who shot from the edge of the box and just passed the post…. close, very close! 
 
Esh went for the counter attack but we stood strong and defiant! 
 
DJ Steva’s long ball brought relief from the Esh onslaught but now the chase was on..
Scotty and Olaf were like whippets, 
The ball was the rabbit, 
And one look at the Cestrian supporters
Confirmed my worst fear…
Yeah the hair was definitely on the move 🤨
 
The Sturdy Coomberaggio was Calzone’d as he was flattened  by The Eshtonian forward,
A free kick assured….
 
Dirk Hepp and the undertaker cleared well for the umpteenth time…
 
Canny Lad Craig’s description of Coomberaggio was pure class…
As he compared the boot clicking off the post as similar to ‘the Hong Kong wood pecker’ 
 
It was the best line of the day so far…
But Most of Craig’s rubrics were from the Viz top draw 😂
 
Macca stepped up and blasted a rebound from a nice set piece orchestrated by The Meg…
His hammer blow connected with the quad of an Eshtonian…. ooofff!!
Certain goal Otherwise….
 
We battled well, The King thought he was caught in a trap, 
He couldn’t get out,  but never doubted his ability… Never wasted a ball…😉
 
Crouchy McBan and The undertaker laid waste to the Esh attack once again dominating… 
 
Canny lad Craig again commented as he looked romantically up to the Esh hills as the sun faded away… 
‘Well The hills have eyes but the officials divent’ 😂
 
The Hepp came on for Olaf, who had put in a tremendous shift….
 
Dirk Hepp played the schlong  ball 😳
and cleared danger easily….
 
The King controlled and played a lovely ball ‘All Hail The King’ ran onto it instinctively and boom!! 
A low raking shot accelerated into the bottom left corner, the keeper could have been 7 foot 2,  but there was no saving it…
2-0!! And the madness began!!