Monday, March 1
Chester-le-Street, UK


‘Everyone Loves a Semi’


Birtley v Chester le Street

The Ernest Armstrong Memorial Cup 
The Reporter at the ground tonight was
Dr Phillipoussis Cumulus Stratus Cummingston….

He is a modern day Cestrian equivalent of Chris Kamara, but younger and with much better concentration… ‘what happened Jeff??’🤨

The Quarter final of The Ernest Armstrong Cup was played in freezing conditions at The Robinson tonight…
The Chester faithful endured freezing temperatures, rain, sleet and much much worse😳….
a horribly slow 30mph drive down the long Birtley road.
Whistle to lips and it’s game on….
The first 20 minutes were never going to trouble the journalistic creativity as a ‘hapless’ period of play ensued.
Until Birtley created an attacking foray into The Cestrian Trenches, smashing a Howitzer of a shot maybe 18 yards out…
Coomberaggio at full stretch was reliant upon a nice bit of white ‘2 by 2’ to save his blushes as the post came to his rescue😳
The ball rocketed into ‘no mans land’ and fell perfectly for the Birtlonian striker who tapped it in and 1-0 OMG!!!
My Cup dreams were disappearing before my eyes like a scene from Back to the future when Marty McFly realises the detriments of Time Travel🤔
(Still with me😉)
We were in trouble, a lacklustre start and 1-0 down away from home in what can be only described as a scene from Alec Guinness’s ‘Ice Station Zebra’…
 What looked like a tweak to the formation by Commander Wake and a bit of Super-Mac magic was about to revive the Cestrians like Lazarus on the resuscitation table😳
Super-Mac McGuire carved out the equaliser with some ‘Paul Daniel’s-like wizardry….
The Corner from The ever reliable Mazzinator fell into the danger zone and a goal mouth scramble ensued,
Dicka the Destroyer got heavily involved and bossed the box allowing the chance to fall to Super-Mac on the edge of area, a totally ‘deliberate’ air shot 🙄was then comedically acted out which totally confused everybody..
Super-Mac reacted fastest and drove into the box, firing home from maybe 10 yards!
1-1 and back in it…
My Cup dream Foto started to
re-materialise  back into focus🤨
The Meg got injured during the latter stages of the first half in the most bizarre of circumstances…
 he was Harpooned by a Japanese Whaling Ship 😳 strangely passing thru Birtley front street..
Foolishly Mistaking him for a Beluga Whale….
One look at Kieran Megran tells you he is 100% Megaladon… I rest my case m’Lud.🤔
The whistle blew and Half time Ensued the half time oranges were frozen solid😤
Dicka and Dirk were imperious at the back, a bit like WWE (as I was corrected on Saturday afternoon by a young Cestrian supporter😳)
 ‘Dicka’ The Rock and Dirk The ‘Hulk’ Hepplewhite were unbreakable in defence.
Crouchy McBan started to move from left back position, he moved like a Jedi Knight, he had morphed into
 ‘OB Ban Kenobi’ 🤔
’use the force Luke’💪
As he drove up the line photon torpedoes at the ready..
He sent the leather missile to Super-Mac,  Crouchy McBan overlapped drawing Darth Defender away from the Death Star 😳
Super-Mac made an intuitive and incisional pass to The Sheriff (Laws)
on the left edge of the area….
he turned like a ‘Strictly Dancer’ and attacked the enemy territory before laying it off to The Flying Scotsman…
The Young steam train jinked left, then right, and totally fooled the Birtilian defenders…
personal space created like a Messi master craftsman, like a Moses parting The Red Sea…Hebrew Robson would deliver The Cestrites to The Promised Land once more. 
The young Cestrian looked up with eyes of steel as he broke the Birtilian hearts with a single torpedoed finish into the bottom right  corner!!
The keeper may have got his fingers to it, but would have lost his fingerprints in the process….
the glowing hot globe tore passed the stranded Keeper like a wild burning meteor… Think ‘deep impact’
😳circa 1998.
2-1 and Euphoria once again for The Frozen Cestrian penguins,
I mean, 😳Supporters…
On The front foot, what a lovely place to be, like ‘Esh Saturday’ we sat on a lead about as comfortable as a pair of
cactus undercrackers🤩
A Corner came in from the left side,
It was Special delivery from The Mazzinator..
Ian Botham would have been proud of it, leg spin, googlie and Yorker all in one as it careered into the goal mouth…
Cue an almighty scramble not seen since The Sedgy Ball Game where the whole village kicks 7 shades of excrement out of each other with as many neighbourly madmen as they can muster🥴
Ye get the picture!
As I looked to the hills of Birtley I could hear a melodious cry in the dark, the  freezing noire called to me….
it was The voice of Bonnie Tyler singing
 ‘I need a hero’…..
just as I turned to view the pitch, an elegant figure silhouetted by the blazing stadium lighting rose like a Gladiator,
 the towering Crouchy McBan hammered  it in from 2 inches😳
We had confirmation of the distance by Dad McBan stating 2 inches was generous! 😳
I dunno what the question was but I hope it was about the goal he scored!! 🤣
3-1 and happy days,
Game over.
HMS Clarkson was very happy….
he is on the road to full fitness, and with luck ready to repeat his heroics of 2018 again in the 2019 semi and final…. 🤔
Just remember his inspirational words…
‘Everyone loves a semi’


  1. Dad Mcban says:

    This sort of match report deserves a place in the broadsheets, absolute quality👍

    • Michael Sharp says:

      Many thanks for the support Dad McBan.
      A Great win for The Cestrians again…
      Getting excited for the Semi-Final already!!

      Reporter Phillipousis is deserving of high praise for his Factual information😉

      I just add my usual nonsense to make it
      (Hopefully)More entertaining..
      cheers CJ.

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