Monday, September 16
Chester-le-Street, UK
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Golden Brown

  1.   Easington v Chester Town 
 
17.8.2019
 
 
New Nicknames to help you out- 
 
Lee ‘Gillette’ Blades 
Luke ‘Collinio’ Collins 
Anthony ‘TenTonne’ Lee
Jack ‘Golden’ Brown 
Ricky ‘Riddick ’ Fenwick
Jak ‘Grant’ Mitchell 
 
Saturday cometh and what a few days it had been….
 
Feast or Famine they say…
It’s been so, but in biblical proportions.🤨
 
A great start to the season promised much…
But shortly after our 2 great victories the gods of Football decided to send us a curved ball or two… 
2 wins 2 losses meant it was time to turn the tables and get back to winning ways. 
 
3 left backs gone in a week…
Rhys Turnbull moved clubs and Brave as a Lyon took a huge hit leaving him badly injured.
Michael ‘The Undertaker’ Graver being forced into retirement thru an ACL injury and fractured Tibia…. absolutely gutted for the legend. 
 
9 goals against us in two games…
Multiple players out and new players in 
which is always expected… 
 
We are in transition, that is obvious and today was the day where we would stand up and be counted, steady the ship and all that footy jargon you hear constantly on MOTD. 
 
The sun warmed our faces and our hearts after monsoonish conditions all week.. 
like Chester’s hoops are the Brazilian yellow of Football…. 
August looked like it was the new December, Grim up North lad! 
 
Cummingston-Smythe and Wildey(Bovril) were my hallowed company today.. 
we had brought our buckets and spades, I had a pocket full of pennies for the slots and a 99 was on the cards we hoped!
Love the seaside man….
you couldn’t want a better mix of dry wit, statto footy facts and Cestrian banter 😉
 
Wildey made the call early on, 
Sausage rolls it was!
Immediately Mr Cummingston ‘Meatloaf’ Smythe spontaneously burst into song…
 
‘Sausage rolling crew 
Sausage rolling crew 
They don’t mean a thing when I compare ’em next to blues’  
(I know ya singing it man🤨) 
 
They got a 9/10 👍
Phil got a 10 🙌
 
Sister McBan, not to be confused with old sister McBan of the local Gilesgate convent, was very vocal whilst struggling with the windy conditions… 
those of us with less follicle density were not troubled by the strong Zephyrs of The North🤨
 
On reflection she had scarily predicted the two Cestrian Goals or is that a peace sign 🤔
 
 
A clean sheet would be marvellous today, and a much needed boost of confidence for us all. 
 
I would take a  1-0 win right now, but really all I wanted was the 3 points, a pint and a decent pastry product to accompany my merry men’s jovial banter.
 
One question was prevalent in my consciousness… would Commandant Wake play ‘Gillette’ and ‘Whisker’ on the pitch at the Same time🤨???
 
For me, as Chester’s sole Jestering Journalist that would be like the planets aligning, Hayley’s comet arriving and The Toon Winning the Champions League all in one go!! 👀
 
The crafty Easingtonians had arrived in their Versace Green strip which was devilishly difficult to pick out against the grass😳
 
The Cestrians in Brazilian Boss Yellow looked superb..
Blazing sun and north east gales greeted us As The whistle blew and it was game on!!
 
 
 
Some early Easingtonian pressure and a monstrous wind caused us problems. 
 
The Mazzinator tackled well and Golden Brown set up TenTonne Lee who narrowly missed the goal…
(Ten for his number and Tonnes for the effort) 😉
 
Scissorhands Fingleton covered Defence well snuffing out the Easingtonian chance.. 
we would have to be on our game today Chester, it was a war of the wind. 
 
Then out of the blue a 55 yarder thunderbolt undid us as The Easington midfielder (Ex Chester Town) turned Beckham, 
wriggled Free in midfield and smashed a cataclysmic shot with a huge wind helping, and leaving the Chester keeper no chance…just under the bar, top corner and a dagger to my heart! 
 
1-0 down! 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳
I nearly dropped me sausage roll. 
 
The restart saw Crouchy McBan make some good defensive interventions, 
But the wind swirling was a nightmare for all Cestrians concerned.. 
 
Damage limitation until we got the upper hand and wind advantage in the 2nd half.
‘Grant’ Mitchell, fresh from his transfer from The East End of London and Canning Town United, took to the pitch like a duck to water, as he made some great interplay in midfield, assured and never wasteful.. 
 
The Diva was alert and ready to deal with the determined Green Army as he tackled voraciously twice, and stopped an imminent goal as if his life depended upon it, he negated the attack and surely another nail in our coffin. 
 
Collinnio dispossessed the Easingtonian like a pick pocket, having been born in Naples and living amongst the ganglands he has obviously picked up some savvy street smarts… 
he was getting accustomed to The beautiful north east savage weather and showing what £42million buys you in the Northern Leagues.🙌
 
He proceeded to take the ball around 3 players, what a brilliant touch,
What close control…
The crowd cooed in harmony, 
It was like The Flying Pickets reunion🤣
 I was looking for the string but could not see it, Alas nothing came of the amazing skills on show. 
 
But potential was everything here, 
Belief our nourishment, 
endeavour and determination our Adrenalin filled blood that pumps thru our Cestrian hearts💪
 
Jack ‘Golden’ Brown made a great turn and shot in the box, resulting in a Corner and chances. 
Riddick’s corner was swung in, but nothing came of it. 
 
The Mazzinator dispossessed the attacker with his guile and strength… commanding vocally as always. 
 
Crouchy McBan played a pinpoint ball to The Diva who hit an accurate, yet powerful cross, a Corner won. 
 
From the corner the ball fell to Crouchy McBan who’s Power shot from 30 yards just missed  the post… 
 
We pushed on looking for the opportunity to score and regain parity…
The linesman was just not being our friend…
I’ll Just leave it at that. 😡
 
Armin Van Booten saved as he dove at full length, tremendous reactions. 
He was clearing balls up field with great power and control in the very difficult opposing winds. 
Just think windy South Shields, 
front promenade in December and ya get the idea!! Brutal…. 😤
 
As the ball was smashed out of play for a throw in we saw what can only be described as an Olympian Greek Discus thrower appearing before us as
Leonidas Walker-McBan leapt into action throwing an overarm spinner from 40 yards, pinpoint accuracy into the arms of The Easingtonian player…
 
His retort was dripping in respect for such an accomplishment in perfect storm conditions… even the fishing boats had stayed home for worry of rogue waves!
 
Incoming!! Was the cry as our box was infiltrated by a rocket propelled cross,
Riddick cleared well with his body, and then with his face off the line from a dangerous corner! 
 
‘Did not knowing who they were fucking with’ was his ferocious comment..😡
 
Fantastic defending… 
like a John Terry using any bit of bodily gristle to ward off incoming spherical missiles….
Ooffff brave lad, Didn’t even flinch… 💪
 
Half time came and 1-0 it remained as we  sauntered off for a cuppa, and a chance to reposition my singular cranial follicle..
 
The 2nd half whistle blew, but not as much as the wind did!!
No let up, no safe harbour here lads,
 It had gone all Gregory Peck… 
Like force 10 The Guns of Navarone..
(A Classic 🧐)
 
The long ball was never gonna work today. We would need to be more savvy, 
But We started to press with intent💪
 
A Freekick was well won by TenTonne, as 
Riddick full of shredded wheat and raw meat smashed it from 30 yards, 
we craned our necks and prayed..  
just over the bar! Oofff close!! 
Great strike, what a left foot man. 
 
Another formidable Corner was swung in by Riddick whilst Tenacious D was felled by what looked like ‘the clothes line’
Those of us old enough to remember Hulk Hogan will attest to it… 
vicious, savage and illegal I would have said🤨 
The ref disagreed…
 
Crouchy McBan was felled like a jaundiced baby giraffe Shot down in his prime. 👀
He went down in 3 stages like he had triple knee joints….  
where was the Serengeti Poacher!?
 
I felt all David Attenborough for a moment, but then returned from a whisper to a Cestrian cry as Easington starter pushing us back.. 
 
We needed a goal, that was obvious..
One sensed The next goal would be from the winner of the tie…
 
Momentum is massive. 
 
Commander Wake’s machinations had manifested themselves in the form of the 
Substitutes … namely The Bomber and Gillette… 
TenTonne and Scissorhands came off for a well Deserved rest. 
 
 A tremendously penetrating Riddick corner arced into the danger zone…. 
Tenacious D Saw his chance as he reacted 1st, all in slow motion as he smashed the mother in from 2inches. 
 
His silf-like 18 clem was advantageous and essential in manoeuvring the ball passed the keeper and 5 defenders, they all ended up in the back of the net!!
 
Watch the video online😌
 
Brilliant bravery and power on show..
It was like the Easington Cage 
UFC style… 
 
In the Blue trunks TENACIOUS DDDDDDDDDDDD!!!
‘Let’s get ready to Rummmmmbbble!!’
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
 
Back in it 1-1…. how important,
I have no words🤨 now…
But I screamed like a Banshee at the time and scared Sister McBan into hysterics.
 
I asked no forgiveness for my actions,
This was Approximately 65 minutes of frustration and anticipation spilling out of me… 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤
‘Nothing like seeing a man feeding off his emotions’…
 
Time to push on and win the 3 points. 
 
Gillette looked razor sharp today, 
Making great runs off the front, 
creative Movement and awareness helped us scare the bejesus out of their defence… 
 
The Bomber took control of the right wing and bossed the midfield, making incisive passes and breaking up Easingtonian attacks. 
 
A Great ball from Golden Brown texture like sun, Never a frown with Golden Brown… 🤔
 It was like a bullet from the right wing and Gillette was as sharp as a razor to deflect the cross goal ward, 
The minutiae of football and a fraction away from notching… ooohhhh close!!
 
Then an Easingtonian attack foraged into our last 3rd, a deep cross and a quick shot, Armin Van Booten was full stretch but a spectator to the Exocet really…
as the ball Cannoned off the left post with a huge gratifying ‘DOINKKK!!’
 
What relief… what comfort to know the footballing gods had forgiven us, and granted us some grace for once. 
 
Chairman JB’s prayer mat had worked once again.🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
 
A Great run was initiated by the Italian stallion Collinio, as he scythed his way thru the middle of the defence and passed 2 players in an instant, before we knew it he had gone all Ron Jeremy and was deep into the box..
 
I was starting to tremble, starting to believe… he pulled the trigger from the angle, 12 yards out, and with lots to do still… I held my breath, We watched agog with open mouths as the ball was stroked
Confidently into the left corner of the goal, bulge of net, no naughty linesman, no argument, just euphoria 2-1… 
and a goal celebration not seen since Roger Milla  had a bit neck on with the corner flag for Cameroon in The 1990 World Cup🤣
 
Sheer brilliance, 
Unadulterated joy, 
In that moment I was hit by a tsunami wave of Serotonin. 
 
Shame Neil missed the photo after having switched off his camera…🙄
 
Come on Chester!!!! 
Come ONNNNNNNNNN!!!!
 
Armin Van Booten sustained a hand injury during battle after using the Easingtonian as a punch bag, 
so our New physio, Professor Josh Riding leapt like a coiled spring into action and suppressed the phalange pain, 
The pain receptors calmed,
Endorphin levels restored to normal
 we resumed action. 
 
Collinnio and Golden Brown worked their socks off at the end, as did the rest of the lads. 
 
Crouchy McBan stood resolute as he took down the Easington striker who was bounding thru the half way line….
 
Yellow was to be his colour and what a great decision Crouchy had made, 
for the power play looked rather dangerous, he took one for the team..🙌
 
Using all of his legs to fell the oncoming threat, the Easingtonian had no chance of evading the Cestrian Wadlow as he consumed him, like a giant Octopus devours its prey… 
again The Attenborough had possessed me. 😳
 
The super spritely Fringe was on for 
The Mazzinator, that was some shift lad…
 
Crouchy McBan covered well as did Tenacious  D, we were steadfast and unflinching in the face of the expected Easingtonian onslaught. 
 
Cummingston-Smythe surprised us all on the touch line as he turned into the man from Del Monte, 
It was late in the game when he began shouting wildly in his adopted Italian tongue..
 
 ‘Yesssss, Ball outttiiooo!!’ 
 
 It was a welcome break in the tensions which had gripped my psyche… paralysing me with fear of a late Easingtonian goal. 
 
The Ref obviously had 2-2 down on the coupon as he added 15 mins of injury time!!
Howay man, Ferguson has retired man!!
 
Finally we heard The fullTime whistle! 😤
and at last we could rest and sigh with dulcet tones of contemplative relief…
 
The Cestrian lads looked jubilant and rightly so, they had battled hard, left it all on the pitch and come out on top! 
 
I applauded the lads from the battlefield and clenched hands with the jubilant and victorious Captain Maz…
Beaming with pride, sweat and a rosy glow from the afternoon’s exertions..
A good day at the Office my friend😉
 
M.O.M. was Golden Brown in our humble DH2 Ultra opinion…  
and yes he was magnificent today. 
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
 
The bleeding had been stopped, 
and I hope the lads had won for themselves, but also for the injured or missing lads who would have given their back teeth to be on the lush green carpet today. 
 
We returned home, sandblasted, looking wind swept and interesting, but happy 😃.
 
CJ 
 
 
 
 
 

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