The Mammas v The Bambinos
It was early June when the gauntlet had been thrown down, and now the time had come for heroes to step forward and be counted…
The Earth had been scorched for weeks, the Muga resembling an alien planet, something more akin to a Ridley Scott movie….
Remember ‘nobody can hear you scream in Chester!’😱
The ladies team were made from the very best that County Durham could muster… snatched from a pre-season training camp based at Newcastle United twinned with Barcelona…
The under 60s squad stood strong and looked determined.😂
Andrea ‘The Scyther’ Sharp
Janine ‘The Leviathan’ Lartey
Zara ‘The Killer’ Kelly
Dawn ‘The Destroyer’ Duffy
Sarah ‘Kung-fu’ Kirkwood -(retired)
Toni ‘The Cat’ Holmes
Leisha ‘The Basher’ Borthwick
Sponge- Judith aka ‘Splinter’ 😂
Coach and Commander in chief Bartolommeo Borthwick
The Beast- Ben Sharp
The Hammer- Jack Kelly
The Hoover- James Sharp
The Duffydonna- Kai Duffy
The Jinkin- Lincoln Borthwick
The Hitman- Harry Holmes
The Avenger- Adam Abdullah
The Brick-wall – Freddie Barron
Coach Marc Maximus Kelly
In the battle of the guargantuans
Who would be victorious…🤔
Maximus’s pre-match speech was Biblical🙏
Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous footballer is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil Mamma defenders.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weaker players through the valley of
Chester le Street.
For he is truly his brother’s goal keeper and the finder of lost footballs.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and defeat The Chester Faithful.
And you will know I am Marcus Maximus when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”
Even before the game began The Basher Borthwick took a heavy duty Wasp sting to the abdomen ouch!! Medic!!
Maximus’s plan was coming together and the game had not even kicked off!
The full attendance crowd buzzed with anticipation, the pitch resembled more ‘Thunder-dome’ than pitch,
Did we need another hero🤔
The whistle blew and instantly The Brickwall’s sliding tackle on The Killer Kelly set the tone for the match..
Boom! That ones gonna hurt in the morning 😳
Jinkin then shimmied, into the box and Gave ‘the Cat’ the eyes, paused then slotted the ball confidently into the net 1-0!
The Scyther Sharp made a great tackle on Jinkin… the hangover subsiding and now happily Sauvignon toxins were being replaced with endorphin fuelled haemoglobin…
I checked my time piece, and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was indeed ‘Hammer Time’!!
The leviathan took a hammer blow to the chops… oouuuffff!!!
The Destroyer was invigorated and sprinted gazelle-like down the wing, Ashley Cole would have been proud.
Jinkin picked up the ball and ran like a man possessed,
possessed by the spirit of Eusebio,
A mazy dribble ensued, he then drifted passed 2 Mammas until the sublime side foot finish 2-0!
Goal Machine that boy🤔
The Scyther passed the ball forward with Jonjo accuracy,
The Destroyer enthusiastically latched onto it as if reaching for her Friday night Gin ‘n Tonic,
A corner was bravely won and a goal
Mouth battle erupted like a WWF melee’.
The lads stood strong and cleared their lines with The Hitman impervious and defiant between the sticks.
The Hoover sprinted incisively, penetrating the Mammas defence
Before laying waste to the goal with a fine bullet finish from 20 yards,
Boom!! and 3-0…
‘The Cat’ made a great leg save,
She was more Karate Kid than Starfish but the technique was effective🤨
Then immediately a dangerous Break away ensued, would The Mammas lose another goal 🤔
Referee J-K unfortunately took a nasty surgical strike to the Nads, ouch!!!
the attack snuffed out with The Crown Jewels…
It was now time to See what The Duffydonna could do with the ball…
Bang! a powerful shot from 5 yards out and at point blank distance,
but ‘The Cat’ Saved it with aplomb, wafting a hand to it as if the ball was an annoying blue bottle..
The Basher came on for The Killer,
The vodka-wasp serum began its work having been administered pre-match by Commander Borthwick…
Immediately the lads reacted to the imminent danger as Commander Borthwick shouted ‘Spring The Trap!’
Some beautiful one touch passing created a chance for The lads
But were cruelly denied another goal as the ball passed over the line,
Howay Chester VAR!
Where’s a Russian linesman when ya bloody need him🤔
The Beast then awoke from his slumber and smashed a 10yard howitzer off the bar for Jinkin to say ‘thank you very much’ and finish it off with a deft touch 4-0!
The Leviathan caught her breath as if to say ‘that’s enough!’
And with a calculated imposing challenge took down the Duffydonna,
Felled like a little oak tree….
It was Keane-esque!
The Killer was back on and ready to rumble, singing ‘when we were young’ as she smashed a Beckham-esque ball from the half way line boom!!
almost notched it man🤨
The Avenger dribbled and blasted a shot at ‘The Cat’ , but again The Feline Flying machine deflected a certain goal away to safety…. it was Mrs Yashin between the sticks.
Then a very unsavoury moment was encountered where Commander Borthwick’s under handed tactics reared their ugly heads again….
6 Mammas on the pitch 🙄
The Duffydonna was looking for payback as he slid full length and upended a Mamma, The Cat had to pounce as Jinkin’s shot narrowly missed the target..
That lad was on fire today man!
The Leviathan was released by the long ball from deepest darkest defence to which she gave the full treatment
From 20 yards, a harder shot you’ll not see 😳 Whack, Biff, Bash and Wallop!!
4-1 the counter attack had worked Commander B, Boom in the bottom corner!
Half time arrived and by the look of the sweaty Bettys not before time…
The heat was intense, perhaps a degree or 2 less than the unforgiving Mohave Desert..
The warriors lined up once again,
Referee Saxy B took Hold of the Whistle for the 2nd half and control of the game.
The Killer on the loose up front was nullified by The Brickwall’s split second clearance and saved a sure Goal….
Then something special happened,
The Avenger received on the ball halfway line, back to goal, a bouncing Arcing treacherously difficult ball To control…
Without hesitation the boy wonder looped, as If demonstrating at a Gazza master class, the ball over his head and that of The Killer as well….
Like Colin Hendry in ‘96 she was stuck to the spot, standing with eyes of admiration for such a world class piece of skill followed by a pearler of a shot, just over the bar.. magnificent!
The Killer Kelly obviously embarrassed by the brilliance of Adamski took it upon herself to even things up, without a thought of the consequences (and the prison sentence)of being the Welfare Officer at Chester Town whilst committing GBH upon an under 8 year old footballer, she waded in thigh high with a professional tackle we would all be proud of, 😌
The Avenger Went down as we all gasped…
with whispers from the stands of
‘ who was that??
yeah nice Zara, ‘
‘yeah the one who is so lovely and gentle’
Yeah thoughtful and selfless ‘
‘Really that Zara, she did what🤔’
As we picked up what was left of The Avenger and put him back together
It was time to move into top gear…
We had taken it easy on them up until this point..
The Cat was enjoying a great spell of play, parried The Avenger’s shot without breaking a nail, hair immaculate and not a hint of perspiration… caps doffed.
The Leviathan was foraging on the wing, looking for glory…
But The Hoover shadowed her well and The Hammer saved with ease.
The Killer Kelly then revealed her birth heritage and ancestral footballing DNA for all to see….
not many know this but Zara was Originally born in a small fishing village outside of San Paolo called Picinguaba….
Born Maria Conchitta Esperanza Conquistadors Kellinios 😳
it was no surprise that her footballing genius would overflow at some point…
‘The Meg’ on The Avenger was just Wow… 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
The Brickwall was more Humpty Dumpty
Than of masonry quality once The Basher Borthwick had finished with him.. man down!!! Medic!
Fresh legs and the Subs marched on…
Pressure power play and counter attack brought rewards of a corner,
The Duffydonna was the recipient of the air mailed spherical parcel and bosh 5-1!
The Mammas were on the ropes again… punch drunk but never a doubt in their minds that they wouldn’t win…
The Leviathan stepped up, left wing and like Alberto Juantorena in ‘76
‘she opened her legs and showed her class’ 🤔
with a Bolt of speed not seen since Joe called last orders at The Hut an hour earlier than Maximus Kelly expected😉
Boom and a rocket shot into the top right stanchion!! Magnificooooo!!!
5-2… The Mammas were lifted immediately like a cheeky little lambrini before lunchtime… 🤨
Jinkin notched his hatrick 6-2
Easy finish, balanced and assured,
Poise and finesse….
Sean ‘The Firestarter’ Bell was beginning to be heard now,
The restlessness had consumed him…
With The Cat about to take the goal kick, he took it upon himself to become The Leo Sayer of The Chester faithful,
the one man band crowd chanter!!
It was awesome to see a man feeding off his own emotions🤔
Jinkin powered forward, relentless now, Dominating possession the lads saw their chance to put this to bed and scored again 7-2…
The Destroyer moved forward determined to start the Mamma’s Tsunami wave of response…
With A touch of class, stepped inside the defender and caressed the ball with the outside of her boot!
Wallop top corner… her second
And now 7-4… the fight back had been officially signed and sealed,
Locked and loaded!
Then The Duffydonna, As if to answer his disobedient Mamma, smashed a close range shot into the goal, 8-4
The Scyther looked to break away before the fair play champion Jinkin took it upon himself To dabble in the dark arts and boom! took out The Scyther…
‘bottle, spoon and medicine’ thank you very much🤣
The Scyther was insensed..
Determined to break the back of the goal,
She succeeded in smashing the ball into The Hitman’s face!
Oooofffff that was big….a gasp from the crowd… 😳
Waiting for The thud of Hitman hitting the turf I looked with trepidation through clenched fingers to see The Hitman totally fine without a tear or a blink.. 💪
‘don’t take any notice Andrea, it doesn’t matter man!!’
Commander Borthwick sensitively declared… 😱
Jinkin ran the length of the pitch to stop the Leviathan danger who was preparing to pull the trigger.. an incisive surgically accurate tackle relieved The Leviathan of The Chance and the ball….
The Beast pushed on determinedly to have an impact…
his run and brave pass to Jinkin made the goal… a tidy finish gave The Cat no chance… 9-4.
Jinkin then saw the few seconds left on the huge digital clock above the stands and went into overdrive….
This was for the double hatrick 🤔
Slalomed, pirouetted, rouletted and dispatched it into the onion bag once again..
game over 10-4!!!
The masses went home happy,
The old wizened Chronicle seller astounded by the score line..
‘Maggie Thatcher, can you hear me? Maggie Thatcher … your girls took a hell of a beating! Your girls took a hell of a beating’🏴