Wednesday, December 2
Chester-le-Street, UK
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Twenty-le-Street

Chester Town v Carlisle United 

 
MATCH-DAY  
🆚 Carlisle City
🏆 @theofficialnl Division Two
📆 Saturday , 04 January 2020
⏰ 3:00 pm
🏟 Moor Park DH2 3RW
#SupportYourLocalClub
 

 
Key- 
1.Mr President 
2.The Flying Scotsman 
3.Mr T
4.Apples
5.Dirk
6.The Diva
7.The Hammerhead
8.Grant 
9.Hooch
10.Hepp Guardiola
11.Mr Blonde 
 
Subs. 
12.Brave as a Lyon 
13.Crouchy McBan
14.The Mayor 
15.HMS Clarkson
16.The Fringe 
A New decade, a New year, a New Match…
 
A bright but chilly winter’s day greeted the Cestrian faithful. 
I entered the Stadia d’endorfina for my weekly dose of thrills… 🤨
 
I was not disappointed, cos in the 1st minute of play I was privy to a sublime pinpoint pass on the left wing to 
Mr Blonde, who dramatically cut inside the defender driving forward like a gazelle, he nailed the reverse shot 18 yards out, drilling the sphere into the left bottom corner! 
 
1-0 and instant Euphoria Erupted thru 78,000 Cestrian hearts gathered at 
Moor Park! what a start man!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌
 
My Posse of footballing vultures were lined up on the railings…
The Staines Massive, Cummingston-Smythe, JT, Paparazzi Smith and Maximus Kelly.  
 
Our warm New Year greetings exchanged, we then got on with the business at hand… 
Come on The Lads🙌🙌
 
Hepp Guardiola received the ball 25 yards out and smashed a howitzer towards goal, the ball levitating just millimetres over the top! 😳
 
I was Head down typing up my observations, 
Immediately shouts of ‘incoming’
 I saw the Exocet out of the corner of my eye heading for my big ugly Heed, 
Cummingston-Smythe turned like an acrobatic Cat and spread eagled himself in some style, parrying the ball with aplomb!😳
 
Jack Taylor and myself have much to thank PCS for… 👏
Life saver that lad! 
Rumours of Chester signing a new keeper were all over social media…🤔 but alas JB would not comment. 
 
Back to the game, as Hooch tamed the Ball with ease and set up Mr Blonde for another hungry attempt at goal.. we were looking dangerous. 
 
No.5 for Carlisle had obviously been flown in from The States, it had to be Andre the Giant’s younger Brother??Massive!! 😳
 
Carlisle came at us, but The Flying Scotsman defended with his body and drew the foul intelligently.. 
 
If ya thought Carlisle’s no.5 was big, 
The Carlisle keeper Was a man mountain, and looked fresh from his recent Panto season as The Giant, 
or was he the beanstalk?? 🤔
 
The Cestrians were on fire, and pushing hard, several chances were created with some marvellous inter play. 
 
Against the run of play a dangerous attack from Carlisle and a quick swivel proved more than dangerous as the ball was slotted home and 1-1… 😤
 
We came at them again, Hooch was taken down heavily from 22 yards out.. 
chances😳 
but a tame Freekick was plucked from the air by The BFG. 🧐
 
Apples dispossessed The Carlisle attacker well and played out of defence with great assurance..
 
The Hepps ran on goal in perfect sync 
With the linesman, and Cummingston confirmed it, 
‘had Hepps been wearing more restrictive undergarments 😳 he would have definitely been onside🤨’
 
The HammerHead Laid the ball off well,
Whilst Mr T chased like a greyhound and covered the dangerous route One ball…
 
The Flying Scotsman got a big head on the dangerous cross looping towards the Carlisle striker… bravely taking a big hit. 
💪
Mr President saved well after a Low shot to his right side. 
 
The Mighty Hepps was shooting for fun. 
Grant, Hooch and Mr Blonde were involved in some great one touch interplay which resulted in the release of Admiral Hepps, who sent another powerful cannonball shot over the Carlisle Armadas bows!! 
 
Half time ensued and a chance to shake hands with some legends, The Undertaker and The Mazzinator showing great support for The Lads. 
 
The whistle blew, 
Mr T and Mr Blonde nicely shepherded the Carlisle midfielder to the ground legally 😉
Mr T was immaculate on the left wing 
Sublime control and movement finishing with a slide rule pass to Hooch. 
 
Pass pass pass but no shot! 
We were great in possession 
But lacking the killer instinct..🤨
 
Dirk Hepps tripped the Carlisle midfielder with what looked like his appendage… 😳
Foul allegedly, ‘Poppycock!!’
 
The Mighty Hepp Guardiola showed a wizard like touch as he half turned and received a delightful forward ball with quite a bit of stink on it, one deft touch from his left deadened the ball immediately like a professional juggler from The Moscow State Circus…
 
The defender was breathing, panting down his neck, imposing and intimidating but Hepp Guardiola just shrugged him off and sprinted down the left side of the box  caressing a memorable left footed shot into the far right corner of the goal, 
Oh my God it was pure ecstasy!!  
 
I swear I heard Ronnie Honeyball crooning across Moor Park…
The old Mick Hucknall hit… 
🤨‘Rolling Back the years’
2-1!! Hepptastic!! 
 
Barely had the fireworks and dancing girls stopped when Carlisle immediately scored after a dangerous low ball was turned in, just rolling into the corner of the goal, painfully out of reach of Mr President…
2-2 and back to square one…🤔
 
Dirk made some great meaningful headers and his distribution was second to none… 
 
The Fringe came on for Mr Blonde who had a great 70 minutes.. 👏👏👏
The Fringe is a master of the delivery, dead-ball or in open play, and today was no different. 
 
The Mayor Alderson made an appearance, fresh legs were needed
and a winner would be nice 🧐
 
The Cestrians battled and pummelled the Carlisle defence, we would surely breach the dam soon enough!!? 
Just then though, Carlisle broke free and 
broke Cestrian hearts with a quick counterattack..
The Carlisle striker, was tested afterwards for Canine DNA simply because of his Whippet like speed….
 
Nobody could deny it was a good finish, hard and low into the bottom left corner, Mr President had no chance, he may as well have been impeached there and then 3-2.. 
 
Steva came off for HMS Clarkson… the big guns were out! The crowd rumbled and the turf squealed as the formidable Clarkson strode across Moor Park. 
 
Dirk cleared another bullet cross,
The ball under the feet of the Carlisle striker, it had own goal written all over it😳 but a brilliant scooped interception kept us in the fight. 👏👏👏👏
 
HMS climbed numerous times and nodded on the ball, but alas nobody was there to finish the job…. 
 
Chester Town put them under and HMS Clarkson flattened the Carlisle keeper  near the end, 
Putting that big turkey dinner and seconds of Xmas pudding to good use 🤣
Talking of seconds, they were almost up!
a last gasp chance as an arcing corner was swung in and knocked on towards goal… 
this was retribution, this was for all the Penalty shoot outs England have lost, for Lampard’s and Sol Campbell’s disallowed goals, for The Hand of God and Gazza’s mistimed slide in 1996!! 
 
This was our chance…
 
But sadly it was cleared off the line by a Carlisle boot, and the whisle blew😤
 
‘We deserved a point’ 
was a common reflection after the game.
 
 I felt vacuous suddenly.. no words, no emotion, just the taste of defeat in the icy air of contemplation. 
 
We return for vengeance and retribution come Tuesday, Ernest deserves a
Massive performance…
 
We Never give in and we leave it all on the pitch!
Howay The Lads! 
 
CJ

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